


Why Kakashi Should Never Read Out Loud

by LOTLOF



Category: Naruto
Genre: Humor, Multi, Parody, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-21
Updated: 2013-01-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 09:05:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 24,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/648916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOTLOF/pseuds/LOTLOF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of comedic moments and situations from the Naruto universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why Kakashi should never read out loud

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted by me on Fanfiction.net in 2007.
> 
> Any of you who enjoy my stories are welcome to read more of them at my website, storiesfromlotlof.com

Kakashi exited his apartment with the latest edition of the Icha Icha series in his happy little hands. Naruto had given it to him as a gift when he'd returned to the village the other day. Unfortunately he'd been unable to read it immediately because Tsunade had ordered him to test Naruto and Sakura. He'd given both of them a new bell test and they had succeeded when Naruto threatened to reveal the book's ending. That had been last night. As soon as he'd gotten home he'd begun reading and then rereading the book. It was an absolute joy.

"Where does Jiraiya get this stuff?" having not slept for over twenty four hours he didn't realize he speaking out loud or that his judgment was off. Right now he was of to meet his students at the Tower while they await a meeting with the Hokage.

XXXXXXXXXX

"You're late!" Sakura and Naruto shouted when he finally got to the waiting area outside the Hokage's office.

"Sorry, I was up all night reading soft core porn." He didn't realize that his lack of sleep had caused him to reply without first inventing some elaborate cover story. His eyes never left the little orange book. There were so many great sections! He found one and began to read it.

Sakura turned to Naruto. "Why does your other sensei insist on writing such trash?!"

Naruto backed away from her trying to calm her down. He was not eager for another beating. "Well Sakura-chan in ero-sennin's defense they are how he makes his money, they're incredibly popular and have sold millions! This new one is expected to sell over five million copies!"

Sakura sniffed and turned up her nose. "I can't believe so many people out there would actually pay to read such trash."

Feeling the need to defend the man who had just spent two and a half years training him Naruto spoke up. "That's not really fair Sakura-chan. I mean you might not like the subject matter but they're actually really well written and kind of funny. Ero-sennin takes people from real life and writes about them. His style is actually…" He saw the look in her eyes and the vein bulging in her forehead. Too late he realized he had made a very big mistake.

"So you have read them!" She began to crack her knuckles and Naruto could feel the girl's killer intent.

"Just a couple chapters I swear!"

"Pervert!" she punched him and sent him flying painfully through the next wall. The ANBU guards valued their lives and wisely stayed out of her way. She turned menacingly towards Kakashi. "And you…"

Having not even noticed the violence just concluded or the imminent threat of more such Kakashi began to read out loud without even realizing it.

"Rose Petal shyly approached the dark haired boy who had been her teammate and who remained the unwilling target of her affections. 'Oh Tasuke-kun,' She cooed. 'Won't you reconsider and go out with me? I know that most people think that I am an annoying, controlling, know it all who is really terribly insecure due to her freakishly large forehead and lack of social skills. But if you would just give me a chance I would do anything you want. When it comes to you Tasuke-kun I am pathetically desperate.' Tasuke eyed her without interest. 'I am sorry Rose Petal, but I can tell you would be frigid and poorly skilled in the bedroom.' He began to slouch away but Rose petal was clinging to his feet. She begged pitifully. 'Oh Tasuke-kun! While it is true I am as frigid as a hunk of ice and lacking any skill I am all too willing to please you! Won't you reconsider Tasuke-kun?' Tasuke rolled his eyes and shook her loose. 'Rose Petal for the thirty fifth and final time you are annoying!'

Sakura stood there with her jaw hanging open. Inner Sakura was screaming at the top of her lungs. Five million copies! "Nooooooo!!" she ran out screaming. Kakashi failed to notice.

Naruto got up and rubbed the painful bump on his head. He had been unconscious through Kakashi's reading and Sakura's reaction to it. "Hey where is Sakura?"

"Oh! Naruto-kun wh... when di…did… y… yo… you get ba… ba… back?"

He suddenly noticed a girl who had just entered the reception area.

"Oh hey Hinata-chan! What are you doing here?"

She immediately blushed and began pressing her index fingers together. "Oh, uhm, I ju… just ha… have a me… meeting with the Ho… Hokage later." She struggled to get her blushing and stuttering under control. She was also trying desperately not to faint in front of him.

Naruto had picked up a few things in his time with Jiraiya and he was after all fifteen now. He immediately appreciated Hinata's figure. She was wearing a tight black outfit beneath a purple coat which was open. He eyed her up and down in a way that made her blush go about five shades darker and sent her heart racing. "Wow Hinata! You look really, really great" he gave one of his huge grins. "You're hot!"

That was it. She immediately fainted. Naruto quickly knelt over her and tried to wake her up. He was wondering if she had a fever, maybe that was why she had fainted. After a few minutes she opened her eyes. She was lying on the floor; Naruto was over her she could feel one hand on her forehead and one holding one of her hands.

"Are you all right Hinata?"

Before she could say anything Kakashi flipped to another favorite section and began to read out loud.

" 'Oh Naruko-kun, we can't do this!' His darling and innocent little Hinana said. But in her clear lavender eyes Naruko could see she shared his eagerness. 'Oh my darling Hinana-chan my passion for you cannot be contained a moment longer. I am sorry I failed to realize your desperate love for me. I was a fool to never realize your blushes, faints, and the way you press your fingers together were all signs of your desire to be with me. I am only grateful that my sensei, the world renowned and admired newt sage Jibaiya, whom I am unworthy to even know let alone be apprenticed to and whom I admire and long to be like, finally showed me the truth. Now that I have returned from my long journey studying with the great Jibaiya I must have you!' 'But what of Rose Petal? I thought she was the one you loved.' Naruko smiled at her and Hinana felt what little resistance she had melting. 'I finally realize I could never love such an immature and annoying girl, especially one with such an enormous forehead. It is you that my heart longs for my little Hinana-chan.' 'But here? On my father's desk in his study when he might return at any moment and discover us using the all seeing Bykogun?' Naruko let his hands wander across her body and was rewarded with a gasp of pleasure. 'Do you want to wait my little Hinana-chan?' reaching up she pulled him down on top of her. 'No my beloved Naruko-kun, have your way with me and truly make me from a girl to a woman.'"

Naruto and Hinata were staring at one another. As they had listened to Kakashi speak Naruto's face had slowly gotten darker until it was a match for Hinata's. She was still lying on the floor and he was still kneeling over her. They were just staring at one another.

"Hinata… do you… uhm, maybe, kind of… like me?" Naruto managed to get out.

Too terrified to speak Hinata just shook her head violently.

Seeing that he smiled at her and she knew, without a doubt, that this was going to be a really good day. "Want to get some ramen?"

"YES!" She glomped on to him and refused to let go. Kind of enjoying the friction he carried her out. Both of them completely forgetting they were supposed to meet with the Hokage.

XXXXXXXXXX

Twenty minutes later the door to her office opened and Tsunade stepped out with Jiraiya. Looking about she saw only Kakashi standing there. "That's odd, I wonder where Sakura and Naruto are and I was wanting to speak with Hinata too."

Jiraiya grinned at her. "Maybe the three of them have something better to do."

She frowned at him. "Don't be disgusting. You need to clean up that dirty mind of yours."

"Oh come on Tsunade what's the harm?"

Still not noticing anything around him Kakashi flipped through the pages. Flip, flip, flip, ah, here we are the very best part of all! Giggling like a school boy he began to read out loud again without knowing it.

"'Don't go Jibaiya,' cried out the buxom and sex starved Toonana. 'Though I am the Mokage and leader of this village I am nothing if I don't have you by my side. For all my strength I know I am not and never have been your equal. Since the day you took the bells and left me tied helpless to a post I have known you were the only one for me! Stay and let me make love to you again and again in any manner you prefer. Take me and bend me to your will but only stay here with me!' Jibaiya turned to her. 'You know Toonana that you are the most amazing and satisfying lover I have ever know. Your magnificent breasts are like two great hills that I never tire of camping on. But I fear no one woman will ever be enough for the great newt sage. I must go out and find more hills to climb and fields to plow.' Toonana took his hands and planted them atop her hills. 'Then come and plow my field just once more before you leave again.' Jibaiya smiled at his former teammate. 'Very well, it has been fifteen minutes after all.'"

Kakashi suddenly stopped as he noticed a monstrous killer intent filling the room and spilling out. He noticed Shizune, the ANBU, and all the secretaries running past him in fear for their very lives. Before him he saw Tsunade literally shaking with anger and a very pale Jiraiya trying to back away from her.

"Let me explain." He whimpered.

"YOU DAMN PERVERT!!"

Kakashi had no idea what was going on but knew enough to run.

XXXXXXXXXX

It had been a week since that strange day at the tower. Sakura had been locked in her room eating ice cream and mumbling something about five million over and over again. Naruto had been spotted kissing Hinata all over the village while trying to avoid Hiashi. He really wanted to find out how that had happened, but today he was answering a summons to the hospital. Approaching room 415 he carried a large bouquet of flowers. Entering the room he saw the patient still in a full body cast. The only part of his body not in a cast was his right arm and face.

"How are you feeling Jiraiya-san?"

The famous Sannin actually gave him a warm smile. "Hello Kakashi, actually I'm feeling much better thank you. Tsunade finally agreed to let the doctors give me pain medication. I should be out of here in another month."

Kakashi shook his head sadly. "I still can't believe the Hokage did this to you. Do you have any idea why?"

"Oh I have a pretty good notion as to the cause." He said simply. The entire time his hand continued to fly over a keyboard. "Actually I don't blame her for this. I blame the person who incited her."

"Who would that be?"

"Oh a certain Jonin you and I both know. But hey I didn't ask you to come here to talk about that. I wanted you to be the very first to read a book in a whole new series."

"A new book?" Kakashi said excitedly.

"Yes, it's only a short story but I had a copy rush made and delivered here. I want you to be the very first to see it!"

Kakashi took on a worried look beneath his mask. "But wait! I thought the Hokage had banned you book in Konoha. I know I was heartbroken when the ANBU confiscated my entire collection."

"Yes that does hurt, but the ban is only for the Icha Icha series. This one is completely new. I call it the Forbidden Love series." He pointed to a package on the table next to him. "There it is take a look."

"Forbidden Love? Well that sounds interesting." He quickly tore open the package. What he saw surprised him. The cover to this book was green not the familiar orange. But what really concerned him was what was on the cover. "What is this?"

"What?"

"This cover, it has a grey haired ninja chasing after a dark haired ninja with a bunch of little hearts between them. Shouldn't there be a girl on the cover? And why does the grey hair ninja look like me?"

"Like I said it is a very different series. As for the resemblance you are imagining things. Here, let me read you a short passage."

"Having finally cornered the one he longed for in a dark room he pulled down his mask to reveal his lips. Hakashi, the famed mimic nin, spoke with a tremble in his voice. 'Now my eternal rival and partner, Might Be Gay, we are alone at last. Let us embrace and share the sweet forbidden love that only two men such as ourselves can know.' 'Yosh my eternal rival Hakashi I am sorry but I simply do not care for you that way.' Hakashi let loose a girlish giggle. 'Oh Gay! How can you know what you have an appetite for until you tasted? Taste a little bit of everything and then decide.'"

Jiraiya looked up from the laptop and was pleased to see the horror on Kakashi's face.

"Yosh! Kakashi my eternal rival. At last I know your true feelings! Let us embrace and warm ourselves with our fires of youth."

Kakashi turned around to see Guy standing in the door way clutching another copy of the same book.

"Oh I'm sorry," Jiraiya apologized. "I must have forgotten, I had a copy sent to every ninja in the village. Don't know how that could have slipped my mind."

Kakashi contemplated which was the best form of seppuku as he leapt out the window. "Wait my eternal rival! Do not run from your feelings! I will not reject you." Guy chased after him.

Jiraiya leaned back into his cast and relaxed. He was already thinking about the plot for the next volume of Icha Icha.


	2. Why Hinata should never trust Sakura

A fifteen year old Hinata was strolling through the market district of the village. She was wearing a black tank top and black Capri pants beneath her usual light purple and white coat. As she was walking along her thoughts naturally turned to Naruto. He had returned to the village, following his long absence with Jiraiya, a few months ago. When she'd seen him she'd been amazed at how manly and strong he'd become. She'd also been very happy when all the old feelings had come rushing back to her. It seemed absence really did make the heart grow fonder.

But of course the moment he'd spoken to her she'd fainted. I must tell Naruto-kun how I feel! The next time I see him I will tell him! It was a promise she had made to herself a hundred times. She would always gather up her courage to confess her feelings. But then he would look at her with those incredible blue eyes and her courage would just evaporate. But this time for sure! When he comes back from his mission I really will confess! She was imagining how he might react when she heard someone shout out her name.

"Hinata!"

She turned around to see Sakura running towards her. If Sakura was back in the village then Naruto had to be too. "Sakura-chan, hello how…"

"Come with me right now!" Sakura grabbed her wrist and began dragging her along as she broke into a run. "We have to get to the hospital!"

"The hospital? What, why?" A terrible thought made her stomach turn to ice. "Is… is something wrong with Naruto-kun?"

"I'm afraid so Hinata, he's dying."

XXXXXXXXXX

Hinata was standing in the hall just outside room 220. The door was open just a crack and Hinata was staring inside. There lying on a hospital bed was Naruto-kun. His chest and both arms were completely covered in bandages. He seemed to be sleeping.

"I… I can't believe it, he… he looks so peaceful." The girl carefully shut the door and turned to Sakura. "You have to be wrong he… he can't be dying he… he just can't." She was struggling to hold in her tears.

"I'm afraid there's no doubt," Sakura said despondently. "He was poisoned by an enemy ninja and the poison is slowly working its way through his system. When it reaches his heart…" She shook her head sadly.

"But Sakura you're a medic nin! And the Hokage is the greatest healer in the whole world! You must be able to do something!" Hinata pleaded with her.

"My sensei is trying to research a cure even now and of course I'll do everything I can to help. But Hinata, I have to tell you things look grim. It would take a miracle to save him at this point." She put both hands on Hinata's shoulders. "It looks like he only has about twenty four hours to live. I came to get you Hinata because I wanted to give you a chance to be with him before it's too late. If there's anything you want to tell him you should do it now."

Hinata slowly gathered herself. "Thank you Sakura-chan, yes there is something I really need to tell him."

XXXXXXXXXX

"Naruto-kun?" A voice called out gently.

Hinata watched as those beautiful blue eyes slowly opened and that brave smile appeared. "Hey Hinata," he called a bit sleepily. "Did you come to visit me?"

She nodded and struggled to smile. He was being so brave! She couldn't let herself burst into tears in front of him. "Sakura came to get me and so of course I wanted to comfort you."

Still smiling he reached behind his head and scratched. "Ah, so Sakura-chan told you what happened to me huh?"

"Yes, yes she did." She couldn't manage to keep her voice from trembling.

"Yeah, pretty dumb huh?" He laughed a little. "But that's me I guess, always doing stupid things."

"It wasn't stupid Naruto!" Sakura had told her how he'd save an innocent girl by taking the enemy ninja's poisoned attack. Sacrificing himself for a civilian he didn't even know. "What you did was heroic!"

"Heroic?" He sounded confused. He sat up in bed and put a hand on her forehead. "Are you all right Hinata? You don't look so good. Maybe you should see a doctor while you're here."

It was too much. He was slowly dying yet he was actually worried about her. "Oh Naruto-kun!" Forgetting her ingrained shyness and caution she leapt onto him pushing him back down into the bed.

"Hinata! Wha… mmmmph!" His questions were cut off as her mouth was pressed to his.

"I love you!!"

"What?!"

"I love you Naruto-kun!" She said loudly and quickly tossed her jacket aside. "I've been in love with you since the academy only I was too shy to ever tell you! But before it's too late I want to show you just how much you mean to me! Here." She grabbed both his hands and pressed them to her breasts.

"Hinata! What are you doing?" Naruto's face turned beet red. Wow! I never realized what an amazing chest Hinata had! And she loves me? She's like a princess and she loves a guy like me? Unable to resist he gave a gentle squeeze and found them unbelievably soft to the touch.

"It's all right Naruto-kun; I love you so I'm happy to have you touching me. Normally I would never be this forward. But since Sakura told me you were dying…"

"WHAT?!! I'M DYING?!" Naruto shrieked. "But Sakura said it was just a case of poison ivy!"

"Poison ivy? The enemy ninja attacked you with poison ivy?"

Naruto gave the girl sitting on top of him a blank stare. "What enemy ninja? I'm in here because I wound up taking a nap in the middle of a field of poison ivy."

As Naruto watched he saw Hinata's face turn eight different shades of red. He also watched as she stared at the hands that were still squeezing her breasts.

Thump.

"Hey Hinata are you all right? Why'd you faint like that? Nurse! Nurse!"

XXXXXXXXXX

The door to the room closed silently as a certain pink haired girl tried not to laugh. She turned to her companion and held out her hand triumphantly. "O.k. Ino-pig, pay up, I won the bet."

Ino crossed her arms over she chest angrily. "You cheated!"

Sakura laughed. "The bet was that I could get Hinata to confess her feelings to my baka teammate, I never said how I'd do it."

Grumbling Ino finally pulled out a wad of ryu notes and handed them over.


	3. Why Tsunade should never gamble with Naruto

Tsunade, Shizune, Jiraiya, and Naruto were on the road back to Konoha. After a ferocious battle against Orochimaru and witnessing Naruto's courage Tsunade had given him her grandfather's necklace and agreed to become the next Hokage. She was ready to make the sacrifice in order to help assure Naruto's dream and protect the village that her grandfather had founded.

That didn't mean her old habits didn't die hard.

They were approaching the city of Akido as sunset was nearing.

"I guess we'll stop here for the night Lady Tsunade," Shizune said. "We should be able to get a good meal and some nice rooms."

"I remember this place," Tsunade said fondly. "They have this marvelous casino…"

"Lady Tsunade!" Shizune said in instant alarm. "Please don't even think about it! You're going to be installed as the Fifth Hokage! You have to stop drinking and gambling! Besides we don't have any money!"

"The pervert's loaded," Tsunade pointed out with a smug grin. "I'm sure I could get him to spot me a loan."

"And what would he want in return?" Shizune asked dryly.

Tsunade thought about that and shivered. "Good point." Tsunade let out a depressed sigh. "I guess I won't be visiting the casino tonight."

Shizune nodded with relief. "That is definitely for the best Lady Tsunade."

Though walking ten yards behind and not seeming to be interested Jiraiya had actually managed to listen in on their conversation. Oh ho! He thought. The old girl wants to go gambling huh? The Legendary Toad sage was struck by sudden inspiration. He suddenly reached out and grabbed a hold of Naruto's shoulder. "Hey kid, how about you and I get some ice cream? My treat."

"Really?" Naruto said excitedly. Despite being a millionaire the old pervert was super cheap. He didn't offer to treat very often.

"Sure thing kid," he said with a big laugh. "Hey ladies we'll catch up with you at the hotel."

Tsunade looked at him questioningly, but if he wanted to treat Naruto she didn't think anything wrong with that. "Fine, but don't be too long, I want us all to have dinner together."

"Sure thing!" Jiraiya promised and he quickly got Naruto moving.

"Isn't that nice!" Shizune said happily. "It's wonderful to see a sensei so excited about having ice cream with his pupil. Maybe he really isn't as bad as you think Lady Tsunade."

"You don't know him Shizune, that pervert is up to something."

XXXXXXXXXX

Jiraiya had found a nearby shop and bought a popsicle. Snapping it in half they shared. Oddly Naruto seemed very happy by something so small.

"Hey kid, how'd you like to help me with a super secret, super dangerous, covert mission?"

Naruto looked at him. "Are you serious ero-sennin?"

"Of course I'm serious, and don't call me that."

"Well I'd love to get a mission like that. What do I have to do?"

He put an arm around Naruto and got them moving. "I'll explain everything, but we have to hurry and get to the nearest bank before it closes. I'm going to have to withdraw some funds for you and this particular mission."

"Wait a second!" Naruto objected. "You're going to give me money? You're like the cheapest person in the whole world!"

"There's nothing wrong in not paying for things you don't have to kid." Jiraiya told him. "But I'm willing to pay if something is worth the price. And in any way the money is only being lent to you so you can carry out your mission. You'll be giving it back to me when the mission is over."

"Just what kind of mission is this?"

"I'll explain…"

XXXXXXXXXX

Thirty Minutes Later

Tsunade and Shizune were in the hotel lobby when they spotted Naruto entering. There was no sign of Jiraiya. They also noted that Naruto had a small briefcase with him.

"Hey brat," Tsunade called to him. "Where is that perverted sensei of yours? I don't plan on waiting to have dinner."

"Oh well we were coming back here but he spotted a couple teenage girls with big chests. The next thing I knew he was chasing after them and said he'd be back by morning."

Tsunade shut her eyes and growled. "Typical."

"What's in the briefcase Naruto?" Shizune asked.

"A million ryu," he said calmly.

Both Tsunade and Shizune stopped and gave him their full attention. "Is that a joke?" Tsunade asked.

In reply Naruto help out the briefcase and opened it with a snap. Inside were revealed neatly bound stack of 100 ryu notes. The sight of all that beautiful money made Tsunade's eyes glitter and she actually began to rub her hands together. Shizune reached out and shut the briefcase.

"Don't show money like that in the open!" Shizune whispered harshly. "You're a ninja don't you know anything about security?"

"I just wanted to show you that I wasn't kidding," Naruto said defensively.

"Naruto, where on earth did you get all this money?" Shizune asked.

"Ero-sennin gave it to me."

"Oh really?" Tsunade asked, doubt filling her voice. "And just why would that cheap bastard part with so much of his cash?"

"Well, he said it was a reward for me convincing you to become Hokage. If you'd said no he was going to do it. He said he was so relieved it was worth a million ryu just to still be able to go on research trips."

"Hmmm, well I can believe that pervert would feel that way." She suddenly gave Naruto a very warm smile. "So this money is all yours huh? You know I'm sure you've never handled such a huge sum and are probably worried about what to do with it. How would you like me to invest it for you?" I can double it in no time! Casino here I come!

Shizune looked about to have a heart attack, but Naruto merely snorted. "Yeah right grandma! By investing you just mean you'd gamble it all away right? No thanks."

Tsunade felt a vein in her forehead getting ready to pop, but managed to hang on to her smile. Think about the money. "Not at all Naruto, listen, why don't you come up to my room with me for a bit and we can talk about how you can invest your money. Shizune you don't mind going to dinner on your own do you?"

She sent Tsunade a look of alarm. "Lady Tsunade! You're not thinking of corrupting an innocent are child are you?!"

"Of course not," Tsunade said righteously. After all he's a ninja so technically he's an adult.

XXXXXXXXXX

Though reluctant Shizune did finally leave while Naruto followed a grinning Tsunade back up to her hotel room. As he walked behind her Naruto could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Fortunately there was a voice in his ear telling him what to do.

"Just relax kid," Jiraiya said. "She thinks you're a helpless lamb so just play dumb and let her lead you where we want her to go."

Jiraiya was sitting on a rooftop a few miles away. He was speaking into a microphone and looking at a tiny hand held screen that held the image of Tsunade's back. Being Konoha's number one spy master he always had this equipment with him. He'd given Naruto an ear piece and attached a miniaturized camera the size of a button to his shirt. Not only could he see and hear what Naruto could he was able to communicate with him. His plan was simple yet brilliant, he was going to con Tsunade into giving him the one thing he had always wanted but never gotten despite all their years together as teammates; a look at those huge magnificent breasts. The money he'd lent Naruto was the bait, and he was sure Tsunade would take it.

Once Tsunade had Naruto in her room she put on a rare display of charm. Talking to the kid warmly while even offering to rub his shoulders. Naruto was really surprised at just how good a shoulder rub from her felt. Even though he knew she was just a disguised old lady Naruto couldn't help but like this attention from a good looking woman. After all he'd never gotten any in his whole life. Sakura only knew how to abuse him while the one girl who would have treated him well he failed to even notice.

For his part Jiraiya was feeling a bit jealous. Tsunade had never offered to rub his shoulders.

After about ten minutes of this Tsunade leaned against Naruto's back, pressing her chest against him and spoke quietly in his ear. "Say Naruto, now would you like to have a little game of cards with me?"

Bingo! Jiraiya thought excitedly. She's taken the bait. Now I have to play this carefully, can't seem too eager. He spoke into his microphone the words he wanted Naruto to say.

"I… I don't know, I've never played cards before."

"Don't worry, I'll take it easy on you." Tsunade said with a predatory smile.

"We… we're ju… just playing for fun right? Not for money?"

"Well, why don't we make it… interesting?"

On his rooftop Jiraiya began giggling like a naughty school girl. "What did you have in mind?"

"Wha… what did you have in mind?' Naruto said weakly.

"Ever hear of strip poker?" She said teasingly. "I don't have money so I'll put up an article of clothing against an amount of money, let's say 100,000 ryu."

"I… I… don't think I should."

"Oh come on," Tsunade said playfully as she began to rub his neck and cheeks. "If you beat me I'll not only give you all my clothes, I'll even do a little dance for you."

A naughty dance by a naked Tsunade?!! Blood gushed from Jiraiya's nose and he came close to passing out. "You got a deal baby!"

"You… ah, it's a deal," a very weak Naruto said. Wow! I never even imagined having a rubbing against me and touching me could feel so good. For the first time ever he began thinking if maybe his problem had been that he had always chased an immature Sakura. He was suddenly beginning to see the virtues of older more experienced women.

On his roof top Jiraiya was shaking with excitement. "Just relax Naruto, her luck is the worst. With my help you'll definitely beat her and then we'll both get a reward."

Tsunade looked very pleased with herself. "Good, now there's just one thing before we start." She began performing some hand signs. "That sensei of yours, I wouldn't put it past him to try and spy on us. So," she completed the jutsu. "Silence and Security no Jutsu."

The moment the jutsu was complete the picture vanished and there was only static on his ear piece. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Jiraiya was distraught.

Meanwhile Naruto was filled with terror. Aw crap! What do I do now? "You know, maybe this isn't such a good idea."

Tsunade grinned as she pushed him into a chair at the small table and produced a deck of cards. "Hey, you agreed, you're not going back on your word are you?"

He gulped. He was really and truly trapped with no way out. "I never go back on my word," he said hollowly.

"Glad to hear it," she said as she shuffled the cards. She allowed him to cut the deck and then dealt each of them five cards face down. "Well then, take a look at your cards and tell me what you'd like to bet."

Naruto did so. He had a five and four cards with the letter; 'A.' From what Jiraiya had said he thought that was pretty good. Since he knew he had no idea what he was doing he decided to go ahead and risk everything. "I'll bet it all."

She looked at him in complete shock. "What did you say?"

He gulped. "I said I want to bet everything on this one hand."

She put her head back and began to laugh. "A million ryu on one hand! You're quite the gambler aren't you? Or are you that eager to see me naked? Well either way brat I'm calling your bet. Put your stakes on the table and I'll put mine." She set her cards down and stood up. She began taking off her clothes and putting them on the table.

"What are you doing?!" Naruto's face was a deep shade of red.

"In poker whatever you bet goes into the pot on the table. You're betting all your money and I'm betting all my clothes. So just relax and enjoy the sight, you'll never see it again." Though she was embarrassed to be stripping in front of him Tsunade was a firm believer in following the rules of the game. She was also fair enough to admit that she was taking advantage of the poor kid, so if he got a little prepubescent treat that seemed all right. Besides, she'd gotten three queens in her opening hand; her luck was in for once. I'll double this at the casino and then give him back his money.

Naruto wanted to try and argue but she was taking off her shirt and showing him her bra. He found himself staring and unable to even speak. When she was finally done she calmly sat back down and picked up her cards again. "Want any cards?"

"Huh?" Naruto said dumbly.

Annoyed she reached across the table and tipped his chin up a bit adjusting his line of sight. "I'm up here. Do you want any cards?"

"Uh, no, I'm fine."

"I'll take two then." The new cards didn't help, but she figured she'd be fine. "For what it's worth I do like your guts betting everything on just one hand, sorry it didn't work. I have three queens."

Naruto revealed his hand. "I have four of these, uh, aces right?"

"WHAT?!" She just stared at the cards. I lost?!!

Naruto sat there looking at her his face still completely red. "So, are you going to dance for me now?"

XXXXXXXXXX

The Next Morning

As they prepared to leave Jiraiya pulled Naruto aside and spoke to him in an urgent whisper. "So what happened kid?"

"I won," he said simply.

"You won?" Jiraiya said blankly.

"That's right."

"So you saw…"

"Yes."

"And were they…"

"Very."

"And did she…"

"Dance for me?" A look of bliss covered his face along with a very light blush. "Yeah."

Jiraiya had never ever imagined he could be so envious of a twelve year old.

"Jiraiya," Tsunade called out sharply. "What are you doing? You had better not be doing anything to corrupt my new boyfriend."

"I would never… BOYFRIEND?!!"

"Ah it's not what you think," Naruto said quickly. "Me and Tsunade kind of made a deal."

"What sort of deal?" Jiraiya demanded.

"He agrees to go gambling with me and I agree to be his pretend girlfriend." Tsunade stated.

"I bet Sakura gets really jealous when she finds out I'm dating the Hokage."

"Kid, I think the whole damn village will be pretty amazed when they hear that." Jiraiya said. "Is that all?"

"Well, I also agreed to give him the occasional shoulder rub and to dance for him naked and let him feel me up a bit, but only if we win big."

Jiraiya stood there for just a second before he fell to his knees weeping.


	4. Why Sakura should never trust Naruto

It was three in the morning. Sakura had been working a shift at the hospital that had only ended at midnight. She was lying in her nice warm bed sound asleep. So of course this was the moment when her baka teammate began pounding on her apartment door screaming like a mad man.

"Sakura-chan! Sakura-chan! Hey Sakura-chan! Open up! Hey! Sakuuuuuraaaaa-chaaaaaan!"

The pink haired girl sat up with a growl as a couple veins in her forehead began to throb dangerously. Naruto hadn't been talking to her much the last couple weeks. Not since the little, 'joke' she'd pulled with him and Hinata. "Baka should thank me," she muttered as she pulled on a robe and headed to the door. Her hair was a mess but she was tired and it was only Naruto so she didn't bother with it. "He finally has a girlfriend, he should be grateful I got them together." If he'd woken her up just to complain about that she would send him into orbit.

She yanked open her apartment door. "What?! Naruto what the hell are you doing making so much noise?! Do you know what time it is?!"

Despite her anger and the obvious danger of her punching him all the way through her apartment building Naruto was still smiling at her. "He came back Sakura-chan! He finally came back!"

His answer did nothing to appease her. He was coming dangerously close to a beating. "Who came back? Jiraiya? Kakashi? Was Kakashi even out of the village?"

"He's talking about me," a deep masculine voice answered from the hall.

Hearing it Sakura froze. Her heart was suddenly pounding and she was struggling just to breathe. Oh Kami!! It's… it's…

As if responding to her thought the figure stepped out of the hall and into the doorway besides Naruto. He was wearing a white shirt that was unbuttoned and revealing a very manly chest. And those eyes, those incredible eyes were looking right at her. "Hello again Sakura," Sasuke said.

XXXXXXXXXX

Her hands were shaking so hard she didn't dare put on any lipstick. She was standing in front of the mirror in her bedroom. Realizing what a mess she looked like she'd begged for just five minutes to put something on. So while Sasuke and Naruto were in her living room she had dashed in here to comb her hair, get dressed, and apply a little make up (though no lipstick.) He's really here! My darling Sasuke-kun has finally come back to me! She'd actually asked Naruto if he could give the two of them a little time alone. Sasuke however had informed them that he wanted to talk to both of his old team 7 companions prior to meeting with the Hokage.

Taking a step back she gave herself a quick once over. Her hair was neat and in place and she'd managed to cover up the bags beneath her eyes. She'd though about putting on the familiar red outfit but had instead opted for a little black dress that came all the way up to the top of her thighs and nicely showed off her curves. After all this time she wanted to obliterate the image of her in a robe with messy hair. Looking at the super sexy and confident girl in the mirror she smiled. I'm all yours Sasuke!

When she exited her bedroom again she saw Sasuke sitting on her living room couch just patiently waiting for her. To her annoyance Naruto was sitting right next to him eating a cup of instant ramen.

"Naruto!" She said sharply. "What are you doing?"

"Huh?" He paused in consuming for a second. "I'm just having a snack. You don't mind do you Sakura-chan? You've got a whole cabinet full."

Being reminded she had to subsist on the stuff sometimes did nothing to improve her mood. "It's not that. Sasuke-kun has finally come home after all this time and all you can think about is stuffing your face like always?!"

Naruto put the near empty ramen cup on her coffee table. "Sorry Sakura-chan, I was just hungry."

"Leave the dobe alone Sakura," Sasuke said.

Naruto instantly turned to glare at his old teammate. "Oi! Don't call me a dobe you teme!"

"Naruto!" Sakura shouted. "Don't you dare insult Sasuke-kun!"

"Actually Sakura," Sasuke spoke. "I've kind of missed hearing that." Sasuke looked at Naruto with what looked like… affection?

Sakura was a little surprised by how well Sasuke was treating Naruto. And was she possibly feeling even a little… jealous? No way! How could I be jealous of that baka? Sasuke is just being really kind and considerate. I'm sure he'll be even nicer to me! "So Sasuke-kun, what do you think of my outfit?" She did a little twirl to show off her figure, especially her long shapely legs.

"You look great Sakura-chan!" Naruto offered his opinion.

"Thanks," she said dismissively. "What do you think Sasuke –kun?"

"Well, your body certainly has grown and filled out since I left the village."

"Really!" She said excitedly, eager to hear more. "In what way?"

"Well back when we were teammates I never imagined you would get such big thighs."

Her jaw dropped. Sasuke thinks I have big thighs!! Her mind wailed. She wanted to run back into her bedroom and put on a parka.

"That was kind of mean teme, her thighs aren't that big."

Sasuke shrugged. "Whatever."

Sakura shut her eyes and tried to breathe. This is not happening! This is not happening! There was no way her long awaited reunion with Sasuke-kun could be like this.

"So any way teme, what finally brought you back to the village? I thought I was going to have to drag you back kicking and screaming."

Sasuke looked a little worried and gathered himself. "I finally came back because of love," he answered sincerely and quietly.

Sakura gasped and all her hopes came back to life. "Lo… love?"

Sasuke looked at her and nodded gravely. "That's right; it was something that I tried to deny. I was an avenger and killing Itachi meant everything so there was no place in my heart for love. So I just pretended the feelings were never there. But they were always there, all the way back to academy days, and then when we were together performing missions they only grew stronger and harder to deny."

"Performing missions," she whispered. "That means…. the… the person you love… is…"

"The person I love was my precious teammate," he let out a defeated sigh. "I wanted so badly to confess my feelings and be honest! But I was an avenger! There was no room in my heart for anything else! And so rather than be honest I would be cold and distant and even cruel sometimes because I didn't want my love to know what I really felt. But things have changed."

He leaned back and shut his eyes. "Itachi is dead. I am no longer an avenger. I can finally love honestly and openly. I don't know that the Hokage and the village will do to me, but no matter what happens I had to come here and confess my feelings and find out if there's any hope that we could finally become lovers."

"YES!! Oh Sasuke-kun, yes!" Sakura shouted at the top of her lungs and leapt over the coffee table to embrace Sasuke.

SMACK!

Sakura's leap ended abruptly as her face ran into Sasuke's open palm.

"Sakura, what the hell are you doing?" He asked in a tone that was frigid.

Confused by the reaction Sakura stood and rubbed her face which bore an angry red palm print on it. "I… I… was just accepting your feelings Sasuke-kun."

He looked at her and curled his lip. "Sakura," he said in a lecturing tone. "Did I ever say you were the teammate I was in love with?"

She gasped and turned to stare at Naruto.

Sasuke turned to look at Naruto.

Naruto saw both his old teammates just staring at him without saying a word. "What?"

"Sasuke you can't be serious! This is a joke right?!"

"Do you really think I would come back here, risk execution or imprisonment, for a joke?"

"Oooooo.k.," Naruto said slowly. "I think I'm missing something."

Sasuke reached out and took Naruto's hand into his. "Naruto," Sasuke spoke with a tenderness Sakura had always longed to hear. "There's always been something there between us. And I really think it was destiny that caused us to share out very first kiss. You're the most precious person in the world to me. I love you."

"Re… really?" Naruto whispered. "Well, that's wonderful because I think I've always been in love with you too Sasuke."

"Wha… What?!" Sakura gasped.

Sasuke reached out and gently touched Naruto's scarred cheek. "Oh, Naruto."

Naruto blushed but did not resist as Sasuke moved close. "Oh, Sasuke."

"HEY!! STOP THAT! DON'T YOU DARE!" Sakura was shrieking.

Then right before her eyes she saw Sasuke and Naruto begin to kiss. She was rooted to the spot and unable to look away as the kisses became open mouthed and hands began to go exploring and shirts were undone.

Oh dear Kami! She thought in horror. I'm about to witness some full man on man action! Sasuke and Naruto are really going to…

Sasuke stopped for a moment and looked over to where Sakura was still standing. "Do you have any lubricated condoms?"

Thump.

XXXXXXXXXX

Seeing Sakura feint Naruto burst into laughter. "That was kind of mean honey."

Sasuke was laughing as well. "I'm sorry Naruto-kun, but she deserved it." Sasuke leaned back on to Naruto with a naughty grin. "Now where were we?"

"Uh, before we continue could you…"

"Oh! Sorry! I forgot." There was a puff of smoke. When it cleared 'Sasuke' was revealed to be Hinata. "Better?"

"Much!" He grabbed her and they returned to making out with Sakura lying there comatose.


	5. Why Team Seven should never bet Naruto

"Naruto you are such a liar!" Sakura yelled at him.

"Hn, you really have to learn to tell better lies that that," Sasuke said with a disinterested air.

"Naruto," Kakashi said while keeping his nose firmly in his little orange book. "A ninja should never tell ridiculously obvious lies." All three members sweat dropped. "Except to their own students." Kakashi added.

"But I'm telling you it's the truth, I swear it!" Naruto said desperately.

"You've seen the Hokage naked and had her do a naughty dance for you?" Sakura said with an annoyed tone in her voice.

"That's right!"

"And she found you so irresistible she decided to become your girlfriend?" Sasuke asked disbelieving.

"Yes!"

"LIAR!!" Both Sasuke and Sakura shouted at him.

"I swear to you it's true!!" Naruto wailed.

"Naruto, if you keep saying that where people can hear you the Hokage will probably have the ANBU arrest you and perform a body cavity search." Kakashi said in a good natured voice.

"Grrrr, I'm telling you I really am dating the Hokage!" Naruto shouted.

"Fine dobe," Sasuke said. "Want to bet?"

Naruto looked at the confident Uchiha and smiled evilly. "O.k."

For some reason Sasuke couldn't understand he got a nervous feeling. He shoved it aside though; there was no way he was going to back down to the dobe after proposing they bet. Besides which how often would he get such a total sucker bet? "Then let's go to the Tower right now and ask to speak with the new Hokage, she can clear things up. If she says you're a liar you have to be my servant for the next five years."

"Fine, but when the Hokage tells you I am her boyfriend you have to be my servant for the next five years, plus you have to wear the exact same outfit I wear."

Sasuke smirked. "Sure, whatever."

"Oh! I want in on this too!" Sakura called eagerly.

"Fine," Naruto said tightly. He was starting to wonder just why he still wanted to make Sakura jealous.

"All right, when the Hokage laughs in your face you have to promise to never ask me out on another annoying data again."

Naruto nodded. "Sure, and when Tsunade-chan tells you how crazy she is about me you have to agree to treat me exactly like you do Sasuke." She nodded eagerly.

Kakashi looked up from his book. "You know a teacher really shouldn't try to take advantage of his student's foolishness… but I'd like in on this too."

"Fine."

"If I win no more pleading for me to teach you a new jutsu every practice session and no more saying, 'believe it' where I can here."

Naruto noticed both Sasuke and Sakura nodding their agreement to that last condition.

"All right, and if I win you have to show up two hours early to every practice session or meeting and you have to teach me a new jutsu or fighting technique every practice session."

Kakashi nodded and his visible eye made a little upside down, 'U.' "Well in that case let's go and see the Hokage."

"This should be fun," Sasuke said with a smirk.

"Yeah it should," Naruto growled back.

XXXXXXXXXX

Despite not having an appointment team 7 was able to get a meeting with the Hokage. Shizune ushered them into the Hokage's office where Tsunade was looking bored with a stack of unread reports sitting on her table. "What can I do for you and your team Kakashi?"

"Actually Hokage-sama, my student Naruto wanted to ask you something," Kakashi turned an amused look to Naruto. "Well go ahead Naruto, ask."

"Yeah dobe, ask," Sasuke encouraged.

"Yeah loud mouth go ahead," Sakura said with a grin.

Tsunade looked at the blond ninja and raised an eyebrow. "You want to ask me something Naruto?"

"Yeah," he said. He then walked around her desk and as his teammates and sensei watched and all gasped he sat himself down in the Hokage's lap. "Can I make out with you for awhile?"

Tsunade stared at him as he sat there grinning up at her.

He's going to die! Kakashi thought with horror.

Dobe's really lost his mind. Sasuke thought.

Naruto you baka what are you thinking?! Sakura thought.

Tsunade let out an annoyed sigh. "Fine, but not too much tongue." She then put her mouth over his as they began sucking face.

"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Sakura gasped out.

Sasuke's jaw dropped and he felt himself unable to move.

Kakashi's book slipped out of his nerveless fingers.

XXXXXXXXXX

One Week Later

It was six a.m. In a swirl of wind and leaves Kakashi arrived for the 8 a.m. meeting he had scheduled for his team. The sun wasn't up yet and he smothered a yawn as he tried to think what jutsu he would teach Naruto today.

XXXXXXXXXX

Sakura arrived a quarter to eight. About five minutes later two orange clad figures approached.

"Breakfast was great today Sasuke, let's have the same again tomorrow!"

Sasuke sighed. "Yes Naruto-sama, I'll have all your kunai and shuriken sharpened for you tonight."

"Thanks Sasuke! You're the best servant I could ever have!" As Naruto approached he sent a questioning look Sakura's way.

She shut her eyes. Isn't there just one shinigami out there somewhere who could take me now? She opened her eyes and gritted herself. "Naruto-kun!" She shouted and ran up to him. "Naruto-kun! Oh Naruto-kun you're the best! Can you take we go out on a date?" She was staring at him adoringly.

Naruto looked at her for a second, then he stuck his hands in his pockets and slouched past her. "Hn."

Sakura's left eye began to twitch violently.

XXXXXXXXXX

Months later when the Sound Four came offering to take him to Orochimaru for training and the chance to gain real power he was sorely tempted. But he refused the offer.

He had to do Naruto's laundry that night.


	6. Why Tsunade should never face Pein

It had finally come, the day she had been dreading. The long awaited war with Akatsuki was about to reach its bloody climax. Before the gates of Konoha Tsunade stood proud and defiant, over two thousand of her ninja were behind her ready to give their lives for the village.

I front of her were a mere seven enemies, but these were no ordinary enemies. One was a woman with blue hair and a paper rose. The other six were the incarnations or Pein. Though vastly outnumbered their sheer power made them dangerous and a real threat to the village. She feared that whatever the outcome a lot of good people were going to die today.

"This is really dumb baachan!" Naruto told her. "Just leave everything to me and I'll crush them all for you!"

Tsunade could feel a vein in her forehead threatening to pop. "Damn it brat how many times have I told you not to call me that?"

Naruto grinned. "Don't know, I lost track a long time ago baachan."

Sakura grabbed a hold of him and began shaking him back and forth with just one arm. "Damn it Naruto show some respect!" You have no idea how scary she can be!

"While I agree Naruto could be a tad more civil he does have a point," Kakashi pointed out. "Even with all of here watching it's still dangerous to meet with him alone."

"I'm a Sannin Kakashi, I can handle myself," she told him.

"But you don't actually expect anything to come from this parlay do you? It's bound to be a trap." Kakashi said worriedly.

"I agree it probably is," Tsunade admitted.

"Then why?"

"Because as Hokage all of your lives are my responsibility. So long as there's any chance to avoid unneeded bloodshed I have to take it." With that Tsunade began to stride forward.

The 'true' Pein did the same. At a slow calm pace the leader of Akatsuki approached the Fifth Hokage. With both sides watching intently for any sign of betrayal the two enemies came face to face.

"It has been a long time Tsunade," Pein gave her a deep and respectful bow. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with me."

"I don't expect this meeting to accomplish anything, but I'm willing to at least try to avoid an unnecessary battle."

"I too hope to avoid that," Pein said. "In the end my greatest dream is to bring the entire world peace."

"You have a damn strange way of showing it!" She snapped. "How many innocent lives have you and Akatsuki taken?"

"How many did Konoha take in Rain country and in other places?" Pein replied unperturbed. "If you wish to count the numbers of corpses Konoha's hands are far bloodier than mine."

She glared at him and his emotionless face. "You called for this parlay, tell me what you want."

"I want the same thing you do, to end this struggle without needless bloodshed." Pein told her.

"The only way that can be avoided now is by your surrender to me, I promise you will be well treated."

"Please do not waste my time with jokes Tsunade-sama."

"Well then what the hell do you propose?"

"That you and I settle the matter between the two of us. If you win I and my people will surrender to you without a qualm. If I win you must hand over the title and powers of Hokage to me."

Tsunade grinned and cracked her knuckles. "So you want to settle this with single combat between us?"

"Not exactly," Pein produced a deck of cards. "I propose we play one hand of poker to decide the matter."

She started at him in disbelief. "You want to play cards to settle the fate of Konoha?!!"

"If you win I will also pay off all your gambling debts and provide you a lifetime supply of sake."

She stared at him once more. "Deal the cards; we're playing seven card stud."

XXXXXXXXXX

One Hour Later

A few of the Peins were already carving his face into the cliff side.

Tsunade and Shizune were both dressed in French maid outfits and were busy scrubbing the floor.

"How could you Lady Tsunade?" Shizune demanded. "How could you bet the future of the village on a hand of cards?!"

The former Hokage sighed. "You're right," she said sadly. "I should have shot craps for it."


	7. Why Naruto should never plan for peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short I know, it's a response to Naruto 455.

"I've figured out how to fulfill ero-sennin's dream and bring about a world of peace!" Naruto said excitedly.

"That's great Naruto! I knew you could do it!" Kakashi replied. "So what is your solution?"

"I'm going to let people beat the crap out of me until they no longer feel angry! What do you think sensei?"

"…."

"Sensei?"

Kakashi rummaged through one of his packs until he finally found what he was looking for. "Here, you should enjoy this."

Naruto looked at the magazine his sensei was handing him. "Beat me; beat me, a beginner's guide to S&M?"

"Enjoy!"


	8. Why Shikamaru should never get a Death Note

Shikamaru was lying on his favorite hill staring up at clouds when he saw something drop out of the sky and onto the hill not too far from him.

Thinking it would probably be troublesome he never the less got up to investigate, it being unusual to have things simply materialize and fall out of the sky.

He soon found what appeared to be a plain journal with the words, 'Death Note' stamped across the cover. Bending down he picked it up and opened it. On the inside cover there was what looked like instructions.

"The human whose name is written in this note shall die," Shikamaru lifted a single eyebrow. "I wonder if this is some kind of joke."

"It's no joke," a husky voice said.

Shikamaru turned around to see a freakish monstrosity with sharp teeth and yellow and red eyes floating in the air above him on black feathery wings.

Shikamaru managed to remain admirably calm. "And you are?"

"My name is Ryuk and I'm a shinigami."

"Of course you are," Shikamaru muttered. "This is yours I take it."

The shinigami shook his head. "It was, but now it belongs to you. You can use it any way you want."

"Use it? What do you mean?" Shikamaru asked.

"Just like you read, any human whose name you write down in that note book will die. You can kill anyone you want so long as you know their name and what they look like."

"Really?" He looked carefully at the book in his hands.

"You can settle any old scores you have, eliminate rivals, or you could even set out to change the world by getting rid of people you judge as evil or unworthy. With that book in your hands you have the power to reshape this whole world."

"I see," Shikamaru said slowly. "So I could become the new god of this world? I could rid it of all those who are wicked and corrupt, creating a better society where the innocent have nothing to fear while the criminals cower in terror for their very lives?"

"Exactly!" Ryuk nodded.

Shikamaru knew exactly what he needed to do. Putting two fingers in his mouth he gave a loud whistle. Three deer responded and approached him. "Chow down!" he called and tossed the Death Note to them. They began to eat it.

"Hey! What's the big idea?" Ryuk yelled.

Shikamaru went back to his original spot and lay down again. "While all that sounds really great and all, it's waaaaaaaaay too much work."

He calmly began watching clouds again.


	9. Why Sasuke SHOULD get a Death Note

Having escaped the horde of fangirls who always followed him after school Sasuke was returning to his apartment when he noticed something lying in the street. Feeling oddly curious he picked it up.

"Death Note?" he muttered. Opening it he saw some instructions written on the inside cover. "The Human whose name is written in this notebook shall die." Hn, what a weird joke. He idly scanned some of the other rules that were listed.

"If the cause of death is written within 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen… After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds." Well whoever came up with this certainly thought it out. He had no idea who would go to the trouble of coming up with such an elaborate joke. But since someone had he figured there would be no harm in having a little bit of fun. Putting the book underneath his arm he brought it inside his apartment.

XXXXXXXXXX

Seven Minutes Later

Itachi and his partner Kisame were walking along a stretch of road somewhere in Rain. Suddenly Itachi came to an abrupt halt and took out his sword. He drove it hilt first into the earth so that it's point was aimed skyward.

Kisame looked over at him. "What are you doing?"

Ignoring him Itachi shouted at the top of his lungs. "I am a murdering bastard who should never have been born! And I am truly, truly sorry for all that I have done!"

He then leapt into the air and performed a perfect leg split so that the seat of his pants landed perfectly on the tip of his sword.

Needless to say the sword went straight in from the entry point.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning Sasuke strolled into the classroom just like always. He was surprised to find it about half empty and the students who were there were talking to one another with a look of shock on their faces. The only girl he spotted was Hinata.

"What's going on sensei?"

Iruka looked at him with a pale face. "I suppose you haven't heard, nearly all the girls in class died yesterday in an apparent mass suicide."

"What?" It couldn't be! "How did they die?"

"They all choked to death while swallowing their own beauty products like lipsticks and bottles of perfume."

Sasuke looked about the room. "I don't see Naruto anywhere, by any chance did he…"

Iruka nodded sadly. "His death wasn't a suicide though. It's being ruled a tragic accident. He apparently found a wallet filled with money and went to Ichiraku's to eat all the ramen he could buy. He wound up exploding, it's very sad."

Naruto eats ramen until he explodes! That was what he'd written in the Death Note yesterday. "It's real then," Sasuke whispered. "It's really real." He realized that meant Itachi had to be dead then too. His older brother, the horde of screeching fan girls, and the annoying dobe were all gone. Murdered by his own hand.

"Did you say something Sasuke?' Iruka asked.

He immediately pumped a fist in the air and gave a happy shout. "Yahoo! This is the best day ever!!"


	10. Why Sakura should never confess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a response to Naruto 469.

"I love you Naruto," Sakura told him with Kakashi,Yamato, Kiba, and Lee all present to bear witness.

"Wha... what did you say Sakura-chan?" A stunned Naruto asked.

"I love you," she repeated. "I've finally come to realize that you're the one I truly want to be with."

"But what about Sasuke?"

"Sasuke's gone Naruto, he's been a gone a long time now and I realize that he's changed and become someone I don't know any more. I chased him and he just kept getting further and further away from me, until now I know I can never reach him. But you've always been there for me, you've been by my side supporting me, comforting me, always giving me your best. Now I finally see that you're the one I can reach, you're the one I want to be with. Let's forget Sasuke and be together."

Naruto stared at her, absolutely stunned by the revelation. "Sakura-chan, I really wish you'd told me this one week earlier."

She looked at him questioningly. "Why a week?"

He gave her a wide smile. "Because that's when Hinata came over to my apartment and let me titty fuck her."

"..."

"But we can still be friends right?" Gently patted the top of Sakura's head. "And to be honest you're way too annoying to actually date. Sasuke always told me he thought you'd be frigid."

"Gak!" Sakura falls down unconscious.


	11. Why Naruto should never turn down the position of Hokage

Naruto was sitting at his favorite stool at Ichiraku's having a bowl of miso ramen when Iruka and Kakashi found him.

"Naruto! Great news! The Jonin have voted and you're to be our next Hokage! Congratulations!" Iruka cried out.

"Oh," Naruto replied a bit glumly.

Both Iruka and Kakashi were surprised by this lack of reaction.

"What's wrong Naruto?" Iruka asked puzzled. "This is your dream. I would have expected you to be dancing about shouting for joy."

"Yeah, about that, I've been giving it some thought and maybe I don't want to be Hokage after all."

"What?" Both men said in stunned unison.

"Well the truth is I always wanted to be Hokage to get the villagers to acknowledge me. But since defeating Pein and being cheered by everyone there's really no longer any reason for me to try and be Hokage is there?"

"Even if that's true Naruto being Hokage is the most important job in the village and also the greatest honor." Kakashi pointed out. "Most ninja dream about even being considered for the position."

"That doesn't mean it's a good job though."

"What are you talking about?" Iruka asked him.

"What was the fate of the First Hokage?" Naruto asked.

"He died of his wounds following his battle against Uchiha Madera." Iruka answered.

What happened to the Second Hokage?"

"He sacrificed himself in order to allow Hiruzen Sarutobi and other ninja to escape an enemy trap."

"How about the Third? He died fighting Orochimaru."

Kakashi and Iruka both nodded.

"We all know about the Fourth." Naruto ran a finger along one of the scars lining his cheek. "What about the Fifth?"

"Well she's in a coma right now," Iruka said. "We have no idea if she'll ever wake up. That's why we need a new Hokage."

"And what became of Danzo who was the acting Hokage?"

"He killed himself to keep his body from falling into enemy hands." Iruka said.

"Are you starting to see a pattern here?! Seriously, every Hokage either dies a violent death or ends up in a coma. Who would want a job like that?!"

"The Third lived a good long life," Kakashi pointed out. "So did Danzo, and Tsunade has lived a lot longer than most ninja."

"The Yondaime was probably the strongest of all of them and he didn't survive two years as Hokage." Naruto shook his head. "Nope, sorry, they're going to have to find someone else."

Kakashi paled, well aware that if Naruto turned it down he was likely next in line. "Naruto please reconsider; think about all the benefits of the position. The whole village will look to you for guidance; you'll be in charge of dozens of important tasks every day that will not only affect Konoha but Fire country and even the world!"

Naruto frowned. "That sounds like a whole lot of boring work to me. I probably wouldn't even get to go on missions anymore. I'd probably be chained to a desk all day doing paperwork while others got to go on exciting adventures."

Iruka and Kakashi shared a look. They both knew how the Third and Fifth had complained about exactly that.

"I'm sorry senseis, but there's nothing you can say that could convince me to be Hokage."

"Naruto," old man Teuchi said from the kitchen. "The village needs you. If you become Hokage I'll give you free ramen for life."

"FREE RAMEN FOR LIFE?!!"

XXX

The Next Morning

"From this day forward I will guide and protect the village of Konoha, for I am the Sixth Hokage!" Naruto shouted down to the crowds below as he ceremoniously put on the Hokage hat. He was already wearing his custom made orange and white Hokage robes. As the people responded with a deafening cheer Naruto turned to Kakashi, Iruka and all the others on the Tower roof with him. "Ok! Let's go eat!"


	12. Why Sakura should never date Lee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was inspired by IMs between me and Mistress Winowyl. We do keep having the most interesting conversations.

Having finally come to accept that Sasuke was lost to her and that Naruto no longer had romantic feelings for her Sakura finally agreed to try dating Lee. While not as handsome and cool as Sasuke or as powerful and heroic as Naruto, but Lee was a good guy who truly cared for her. They had gone out on a few dates and things were going pretty well. His intensity and his passionate attitude took some getting used to, but at least he always did the very best he could for her.

Since things were going so well she had decided it was time to advance their relationship to the next level.

"Lee-kun, would you like to stay the night?"

"Really! Really Sakura-chan?!" The image of a sunset suddenly appeared behind him as tears flowed freely from his eyes. "Thank you Sakura-chan! You make my fires of youth burn as though gasoline were doused on them!"

"Er, thanks, I guess." She reminded herself that while Lee was a bit odd he was a good guy and she needed to be a little understanding of his little… quirks.

He suddenly stood up in front of her his eyes blazing fire and his fists shaking. "Yosh! Sakura-chan!" He cried out in a voice shaking with intensity. "I will give you one hundred orgasms or I will run five hundred laps around Konoha on my hands!"

"O… one hundred?" she said a bit weakly. "Lee I appreciate your work ethic and all but lovemaking isn't just about…"

"Yosh! Let's get started Sakura-chan," he grabbed her by the wrist and marched into her bedroom. "We should begin now to make sure we are done before you have to get up for work."

"Ah," she wasn't sure what to say. Oh well, I suppose I should be grateful he really wants to please me.

XXX

The following day Ino arrived at the hospital where Sakura was recovering. She entered her room with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. "Hey forehead, what happened?"

Lying in the hospital bed Sakura gave a wistful sigh. "I'm going to have to break up with Lee."

"Huh? What does he have to do with this?"

Ignoring her Sakura mumbled to herself. "I'm not going to be able to walk for at least a week."

Ino stared at her having no idea what she was talking about.


	13. Why Naruto should never demand a promotion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another story inspired by my IM's with 'Mistress Winowyl.'

"So the time has finally come has it?" Shizune asked eagerly.

Tsunade nodded. "Today I will formally name Naruto as my chosen successor. Given everything he's accomplished I expect everyone to approve without even an argument."

"You do know that technically he is still a Genin right?" Shizune pointed out.

Tsunade snorted a laugh. "I suppose he is! Somehow or other I never got around to promoting him did I? Well he has to be the most powerful Genin in history; even I am no match for him now. He has surpassed both his father and Jiraiya."

Just then there was a loud commotion in the outer office. When the door flew open neither woman was really surprised to see Naruto standing there. "Hey obaasan I need to have a word with you!"

"I've told you not to call me that brat, any way for once you actually have really good timing. There's something important I need to discuss with you."

"Whatever it is can wait!" Naruto exploded. "There's something I need to talk to you about right now!"

Tsunade frowned at him really not liking his tone, but decided to find out what was so important. "All right brat, I'm listening."

"I want a promotion!"

"Say what?"

"A promotion! A promotion! I'm sick of being the only Genin from my class."

"Well you're in luck Naruto," Shizune stated. "Lady Tsunade was just about to…"

Naruto though was worked up and was not listening. "Come on baachan! You know I deserve it!" 

He began ticking off his accomplishments. "I defeated Gaara in full Shukaku form, I was Jiraiya's apprentice, I mastered the rasengan in just three days and later completed it, something not even the Yondaime managed to do! I brought you back here to the village, I nearly died trying to rescue Sasuke, I helped save Gaara, I've fought Orochimaru one to one, I've killed or helped kill almost all the members of Akatsuki, and I saved the whole village from Pein! I mean come on! Has anyone ever had to work so hard to get promoted in his life?! I mean even Ino outranks me!"

Tsunade was nodding and motioning for him to calm down. "It's an impressive list of accomplishments all right, I don't deny it. In fact the reason I was going to call you in was…"

"Besides, if I'm going to be the next Hokage I can't be Genin, and let's face it you're probably going to need me pretty soon. You are getting up there in age."

A vein began to throb on Tsunade's head. "What was that?"

Shizune waved her arms frantically to try and warn him off. "Naruto you don't want to go there!"

But of course….

"I mean let's face it, you were really old when I brought you back, and you haven't gotten any younger even if you do like to pretend. Old people also get really fragile, Danzo almost took you out and of course if I hadn't come to save you Pein would have beat you in about five minutes. I mean if it weren't for me…"

He suddenly stopped as he finally noticed the murderous look on Tsunade's face.

"You know what brat? I do think you need a new assignment."

XXX

"Today we will be tracking down and capturing Tora again," Ebisu announced.

Normally this would have caused Konohamaru and his friends to groan. Today though all his attention was on his new teammate.

"Boss! How come you're on my team now?"

"Don't ask," Naruto said wearily.


	14. Why Naruto should never become a living legacy

It was several months after Jiraiya's death when the legal issues were at last settled. The village was still rebuilding following Pein's attack and Naruto had been busy chasing Sasuke and learning to fully master his Biju's chakra. So when Tsunade had called him in the last thing he'd expected was to be handed a copy of Jiraiya's last will end testament.

"Ero-sennin left everything to me?" He said in a small voice. The boy who had grown up too poor to afford much of anything suddenly found himself a multi millionaire and the owner of more than a dozen houses and properties all over the world.

"Why are you so surprised Naruto?" Tsunade asked with a grin. "You were his last and best student. He believed in you and thought you would do great things. Who else would he leave everything to? You are his legacy after all."

"His legacy?" Naruto asked sounding a bit confused.

"Well of course," Tsunade said. "He didn't just leave you his property. He gave you his knowledge and put his faith in you that you were the child of prophecy. Everything he was he passed on to you Naruto. You are his living legacy, you should do all that you can to make Jiraiya proud and continue the great things he did."

"You know I never thought about it that way," he muttered. "But you're right baachan, I guess I am his legacy and I owe it to him to try and carry on what he began."

Tsunade felt a vein bulge at his calling her 'grandma' once again but decided to let it go. "I think that would be great Naruto, I know you would make him proud."

"That's what I'll do then!"

XXX

Six Months Later

"Yo! Tsunade what did you want me for?" Naruto strolled into the Hokage's office. He was dressed like a sage with a massive scroll slung across his back. "If this is about me peeping at the women's bath I can explain that."

"It's not that you damn pervert," she growled at him. "It's about this!"

She held out a little orange covered book with the title 'Icha Icha; The Next Generation.

Seeing it Naruto looked excited. "I know! Isn't it great! I had no idea I could even write that stuff, but I guess being with ero-sennin all that time it sort of rubbed off on me."

"How lucky," she said dryly. "You know Naruto this is not what I had in mind when I told you to follow in his foot steps.'

"What do you mean? I'm sure he'd be super proud of me." He grabbed the book from her and opened it to a random page. "Here just listen at how the imagery and feeling in the story and how it flows." He began reading.

'Naruko, the Legendary Orange Flash of the Tree village returned to his hotel room to find a surprise waiting for him. There lying naked in his bed were the lovely full breasted Hinana and longtime fan girl Rosebud. They were kissing and slowly massaging baby oil on one another.'

"Oh Naruko," Hinana teased slathering the oil onto Rosebud's chest. "We just couldn't wait for you any longer and got started without you."

"Aren't you going to come and join us Naruko-kun?" The pink haired Rosebud licked her lips seductively.

"You see!" Tsunade shouted. "That sort of thing is completely inappropriate!"

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked. "It's exactly the sort of thing ero-sennin would have written."

"I know," she said wearily.

There was a knock on the door and Hyuuga Hinata stepped inside. "You wanted to see me Hokage-sama?" When she saw who else was there she blushed fiercely. "Oh! He… hello Naruto-kun." She began pressing her index fingers together.

"Hey Hinana! You're looking great!"

She was dressed in high heels, a short black mini skirt, and a black tube top that was at least two sizes too small. Most of her lovely body was on open display.

Seeing the way Naruto was eyeing her she turned an even deeper red. "Th… thank you Naruto-kun, but ah, my name in Hinata."

"Hinata why are you dressed like that?" Tsunade demanded. "You're distracting all the men in the village, there have been accidents. And your father has received about a hundred new requests for your hand in marriage in just the last two weeks!"

"Well, ah, Naruto sort of bought it for me and told me how great he thought I would look in it so…"

"I see," Tsunade turned a hard eye towards Naruto who was still staring at Hinata looking her up and down. "So this is your doing." She cracked her knuckles.

"What? She looks great! Hinana is a real source of inspiration."

"Hinata," she reminded him.

"Naruto," Tsunade continued. "Hinata's dress and your peeking are not the only issues here. You shouldn't describe your fellow shinobi in your books, they might take offense."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked. "Kakashi-sensei was practically bursting with joy when I wrote him into my story!"

"He's not the shinobi I'm thinking about," Tsunade said.

Without warning the door to the office was kicked open and the room was flooded with an insane level of killer intent.

"Naruto," Sakura growled. In her fist was a mangled copy of Icha Icha; The Next Generation. "I want to talk to you."

"Rosebud!" He cried in terror.

"MY NAME IS SAKURA YOU IDIOT!"

Naruto fled for his very life with a murderous Sakura hot on his heels.

XXX

Somewhere In The Afterlife...

Minato was barely restraining an irate Kushina.

"Jiraiya! What have you done to my baby? I'll kill you!"

"Uh, I don't think you can since I'm already dead," he answered nervously.

"I'll find a way!"

"Sensei I don't think I can hold her for long," Minato said.

Jiraiya fled wondering if he had somehow done something wrong.


	15. Why Naruto should never give a gift

Naruto, Legendary Sage and author approached Sakura his old teammate.

"Sakura-chan I'm sorry about peeping on you the other day." He said sounding sincere and with his eyes downcast and looking rather pitiful.

Sakura looked at him suspiciously. "Since I've already beaten you up for that I'll forgive you if you don't do it again."

"Thanks! Anyway here's a little gift to say I'm sorry." He handed her a fancy box with a pink bow on it.

"Th... thank you Naruto-kun you shouldn't have!" She started to open it. Maybe he's not so bad after all. "What is it?"

"Oh it's just something you can wear out and about." He told her.

Sakura took out a pink see through bra and thong.

"Why don't you try it on and I'll tell you how it looks?" Naruto asked with a wide grin on his face.

Hour later

"Why is Naruto in critical condition?" Tsunade shouted as she arrived at the hospital.

"I'll explain later," Sakura told her.


	16. Why Hinata should never get her hopes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinata confessed to Naruto in manga issue 437. Currently they are up to 534 and Naruto has yet to speak to her since that point.

Naruto was back in Konoha for a short break. The war with Akatsuki was intensifying and he would be leaving on an important mission soon. It was nice to be back home. As he was heading towards Ichiraku's he spotted a familiar figure.

"Hey Hinata!"

"Naruto-kun!" The girl froze. It had been more than a year since she'd last seen him. Her heart began to pound and she felt that old familiar nervousness start to rise. She would not faint or run away though. She had finally told him her true feelings. Though they had not talked since that day everything had changed . Now at long last he was back and they could at long last sort things out.

She still didn't know if he returned her feelings. The time had come however to find out.

"Hinata," Naruto said with his usual cheerful smile. "It's been awhile."

"It certainly has." In spite of herself she began pressing her fingers together. Old habits died hard.

"Listen, there's something really important I need to ask you."

"Yes?" She replied nervously. This is it! She thought.

Rubbing the back of his head he looked embarrassed. "Do you think you could lend me a thousand ryu? I sort of forgot my purse and I don't want to go all the way back to my apartment."

She stared at him, her mouth falling open.

"Uh, are you not going to lend me it?"

"Naruto-kun," she said slowly. "We haven't seen each other in over a year and that's what you want to ask me? Isn't there something else you'd like to talk to me about?"

He was looking back at her blankly. "Like what?"

"…"

"Has it really been that long?" He wondered aloud. "When was the last time we ran into each other?"

"It was when I confessed my lifelong love and adoration for you. Right before I was defeated by Pein and he stabbed me through the chest with an iron rod."

Naruto blinked. "Oh! Yeah, now I remember. It was kind of a big deal at the time. I can't believe it slipped my mind but it has been awhile. I meant to say thank you or something but I sort of got busy."

Shoulders slumped she began to slowly walk past him. "Excuse me," she mumbled. "I'm going to go cut my wrists now."


	17. Why Sakura should never interrogate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by talking with 'Mistress Winowyl.'
> 
> Blame her.

In ANBU headquarters the head of the Torture and Interrogation section was standing outside a two way mirror with his Hokage. An unusual interview was about to take place.

"This is a mistake Hokage-sama," Ibiki said. "Interrogations like this should be handled by professionals. Leave this to me and I will have all the information within a few days. The prisoner is a bit strong willed and defiant but it's nothing I can't handle."

Tsunade let out a sigh. "Trust me Ibiki this is in no way a reflection of my faith in your abilities. This is just being done as a favor to my apprentice, she literally begged me to be allowed do this."

"Interrogations shouldn't be handled by rank amateurs," Ibiki said sourly.

Tsunade shrugged. "How bad could it possibly go?"

"I'll remember you said that Hokage-sama."

Inside the stark room a door opened and the special interrogator entered.

XXX

Karin was seated at a plain table just waiting. There was no clock on the wall but she would guess she's been kept here at least an hour. This was very basic technique. First you isolated the prisoner and let her sweat a little. In situations like this the tendency was to think of all the worst possibilities and focus on just how bad things were. Then someone would finally show up and actually voice some of those fears out loud. Only after that would come the 'one time chance' to cooperate and save yourself.

How boring, Karin thought. Running the Iron Wall for Orochimaru she'd conducted a few of these herself and knew most of the tricks. She would play the helpless victim and plead for mercy from her captors.

Actually she wasn't very scared at all. Konoha's reputation was rather moderate when it came to dealing with prisoners. They were not Mist. They were certainly nowhere near as bad as Orochimaru used to be.

The thought of being his prisoner made her shudder.

She looked at the mirror to her left. No doubt someone had been watching her this entire time gauging her reaction and waiting for the proper moment to confront her. That was fine, she would play the game. She had no reason to hide anything. Yes, she had served Orochimaru and later Akatsuki through Sasuke. She had committed plenty of crimes and done lots of vile things, especially for Orochimaru, but she wasn't worried. She had valuable information about Sasuke and Akatsuki and had ninja skills that were rare and prized. She was sure she could work a deal with the Leaf nins. She's served Orochimaru and Sasuke, why Tsunade as well?

When the door finally opened Karin sat up straighter and tried her best to look like a frightened little mouse. After the first few questions she'd break down and start crying.

When Karin saw who it was the sudden look of surprise was not feigned. "Sakura isn't it? They sent a medic nin to interview me? Is the ANBU shorthanded right now?"

Frowning Sakura sat down in the chair across from Karin. "I got special permission from the Hokage to talk to you since there are some things I want to find out."

"Oh I'll bet," Karin said with a knowing grin. I really shouldn't but this is just too good to pass up. "Thanks for saving my life by the way."

Sakura had a smug look on her face. "Must have come as quite a shock when Sasuke tried to kill you."

"Didn't he try to kill you too?"

"That… that was different I tried to kill him first." Sakura said.

"I know, I was watching. You didn't actually manage to do much. Though you did end up poisoning your teammate by mistake. I'm glad Naruto survived."

Sakura blushed at the reminder of her completely botched assassination attempt. In the end she was only alive because Naruto had once again been there to save her.

"Never mind about that," Sakura said with a snarl. "Don't think you're going to distract me. I want to find out Sasuke's secrets."

"Boxers," Karin said.

"Excuse me?"

"Sasuke likes to wear navy blue boxers with miniature Uchiha clan symbols stamped all over them. They look really good on him."

Watching Sakura blush Karin somehow managed to keep from laughing. Despite countless efforts at seduction Karin had never actually gotten anywhere with Sasuke, but there was no reason for this pink haired twit to know that. Sasuke hadn't talked much about his days in Leaf, but he had mentioned his old team a few times.

Karin knew what it was Sakura was after.

Despite everything that had happened at heart she was still in love with her former teammate. No doubt Sakura wanted some indication that he still thought and cared about her.

"I don't care what sort of underwear Sasuke uses!" Sakura tried to refocus and get things back on track. The interview had barely even started and she was letting herself be distracted! She was the interrogator here, Karin was he prisoner. Sakura needed to put this ugly girl in her place. "Look you better cooperate or things will get really rough on you."

"Will you tie me up and beat me with a riding crop?"

Sakura nodded. If that was Karin's fear she would play on it. "Yes we will."

Karin shrugged. "Well that's okay; Sasuke would do that to me all the time."

Sakura blinked, obviously taken by surprise. "He would punish you by beating you?"

"Punish me? No, no, no that was just his idea of foreplay."

"Fo… Foreplay?"

Karin nodded. "Of course he would make me use a genjutsu to look like Itachi and call him 'little brother.' I would beg forgiveness and then he would untie me and force me down on my knees and make me…"

"Stop! You're lying! There's no way Sasuke-kun would do anything that perverted!"

"How would you know?" Karin asked reasonably. "He was what, twelve, when he left the village? How could you know the kind of man he is now?"

"I know Sasuke-kun would never be interested in those sorts of things!"

"He loves anal you know."

"Ex… excuse me?"

"Anal sex," Karin clarified for her. "He just absolutely loves it. You have to remember he was with Orochimaru for a long time."

"Well that's… I mean, well, not… not that bizarre. Some men en… enjoy using that, uh, orifice."

"Actually he likes it best on the receiving end."

"What?" Sakura said weakly.

"Yeah, I'd use a strap on and give it to him, still looking like Itachi. Then when he was satisfied he'd just cuddle up in my arms and cry, confessing how much he loved his big brother."

"…"

"By the way, did you end up becoming a lesbian? Sasuke always thought you'd go that way."

Thump.

Sakura passed out and hit the floor.

Karin turned to the mirror and just smiled.

XXX

On the other side of the mirror Ibiki turned to the Hokage who had her face in her palm.

"Don't say a word."

"Yes Hokage-sama."


	18. Why Kakashi should never give the TALK

"Hey Kakashi-sensei! Why are you always reading those pervy books?" Naruto asked.

"You'll understand when you're older." Kakashi promised, never lifting his eyes from the pages of the little orange book. "I don't think you're quite ready to appreciate the wonders of sex or adult fiction."

"You always do that!" Naruto complained loudly. "You never actually explain anything! You always say you'll tell us later but you never do! Isn't a sensei supposed to teach his students?"

Now Kakashi did peek up over the top of the Icha Icha book. "Are you saying you want me to teach you about sex?"

Before Naruto could even answer a furious Sakura slammed a fist into his face. "You no good pervert! All you want is to find out about those disgusting things!"

"N… no Sakura-chan! I… I just think this is something we ought to know about!"

"Actually the dobe has a point." Sasuke said.

On the verge of delivering one of her famous beatings Sakura halted and turned wide eyes towards Sasuke. "He does?"

Sasuke gave a single curt nod. "Adults are fascinated with sex. As ninja that's something we should be able to exploit."

"Oh! Well you're obviously right Sasuke-kun! I totally agree with you!"

"Hey! How come you agree with the teme but beat me up for the exact same thing?"

"Don't insult Sasuke-kun you baka!" Sakura began to viciously stomp on him. "He wants to become a better ninja while you're just a pervert!"

"Sakura, please don't kill your teammate," Kakashi said. "If he dies I'll have to fill out a lot of paperwork."

"So will you actually teach us about this sensei?" A bloodied and beaten Naruto asked from the ground.

"Oh all right," Kakashi said. "Just remember you asked for this. We'll meet tomorrow at training ground one at eight a.m."

"Can't you just tell us about it now?" Naruto asked.

Beneath his mask Kakashi grinned. "It'll be more effective if I bring visual aids."

"Visual aids?" Sakura asked nervously. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi winked at her. "You'll find out." He then vanished in a swirl of leaves and wind.

"I swear," Sakura said. "If he shows up tomorrow with a hooker I'm reporting him to the Hokage!"

XXX

When Kakashi showed up a little after ten his team was not at all surprised.

"You're late!" Naruto and Sakura barked in unison.

"Sorry I had to help this little old lady across the street. Then she needed me to run some errands for her."

"Liar!"

"See? You really can work as a team if you set your mind to it." In his right land was a large leather briefcase. He set it down in the grass and opened it.

"What's in the briefcase sensei?" Naruto asked.

"Just the visual aids I mentioned to you."

"You don't have a blow up doll in there do you?" Sakura asked nervously.

"No," Kakashi answered with a hidden grin. "Not in this one."

All three of his students sweat dropped and prayed he was just kidding with them. Kakashi was kneeling down behind the opened suitcase. The opened half was popped up and blocking their view from what was inside. Kakashi was rummaging through the briefcase as his students waited.

"I am almost afraid to ask," Sasuke said. "But just what do you have in there?"

Suddenly both of Kakashi's hands popped up from behind the briefcase. Each was covered in flesh colored piece of knitted cloth with little pieces stitched on. "Official Icha Icha brand anatomically correct sock puppets. "

"…"

"Now to begin our discussion I'll cover all fifteen of the most basic positions." He slapped his two hands together, one on top of the other. "This is missionary."

"My eyes are burning!" Naruto howled.

For the next fifteen minutes his students writhed with agony as their sensei carried out the demonstration.

"And that is the reverse cow girl." With that Kakashi mercifully put the puppets away. "Now that covers the positions you are most likely to use. Next we'll go more in depth into the different forms of sex."

"Wait, there's more?" Sakura asked feeling sick.

"There sure is." Kakashi said.

"Sensei I always thought sex was something two people did when they were well and truly in love with each other." Sakura said. She sent a glance Sasuke's way.

"That's cute." Kakashi said with a chuckle. "Now back to the instruction."

He then pulled out a different sock puppet. This one was decked out in orange and had a blonde spiky top.

"Hey! That puppet looks like me!" Naruto said loudly.

"Does it?" Kakashi inspected the prop closely. "I hadn't noticed, must be a coincidence."

Naruto was looking at him suspiciously.

"Now to begin with the most basic form of sex is masturbation or self-love. This is perfectly natural and healthy as it helps to satisfy the sexual impulse all living things feel." With his other hand Kakashi took one of the puppet's arms and began wildly waving it back and forth while lending his voice to the demonstration. "Ohhhhhhhh Sakura!"

Naruto's face turned a deep crimson.

Sakura glared at him. "Hey! Don't tell me you do such sick things while thinking of me!"

"Well…"

"PERVERT!" She immediately punched him with all of her might. "That's just sick and disgusting."

Kakashi put the puppet he had back in the briefcase and brought another one out. This one had a red outfit and a pink top. "Naturally masturbation is not limited to only the male side. Women also masturbate in order to pleasure themselves and release built up sexual frustration." With his free hand Kakashi had this puppet slowly rub a certain area. "Ohhhhhhh Sasuke!"

Now it was Sakura's turn to blush until her face almost matched her outfit.

"Looks like Naruto's not the only pervert here." Sasuke noted smugly.

Sakura put her head down and wished she could disappear.

Kakashi mercifully put the current puppet away and brought out another one. "Again there is nothing to be ashamed of. Masturbation allows a healthy release for whatever sort of impulses or fantasies a person might feel."

Kakashi put on a puppet with a navy blue jacket, black hair, tan shorts, and a fan symbol. "Ohhhhhh Naruto!"

Naruto and Sakura both began to gag while Sasuke looked furious. "What are you implying?"

"Nothing," Kakashi said innocently. "I'm not judging."

XXX

They covered other concepts during the looooooooong lesson.

XXX

Masochism

"Don't talk to me Naruto baka!" The Sakura puppet was mercilessly flailing a cowering Naruto.

"Oh yes! Yes! Give it to me mistress! I've been bad!"

XXX

Homosexuality

"I hate you teme!" The Naruto puppet said.

"I hate you too dobe!" The Sasuke puppet said.

"Yet I am also completely obsessed with you and have an unhealthy attraction."

"Same here."

"Wanna make out?"

"Okay."

XXX

Lesbianism

A puppet in a purple outfit and long blonde ponytail approached the Sakura puppet.

"Hey Forehead."

"Hey Ino-pig."

"My parents are out of town want to come over and have a slumber party? We can get drunk and experiment on each other and then just pretend it was totally innocent in the morning."

"Well I was planning to wait until college for that, but okay."

XXX

Obsession

"There's a puddle here." The Sasuke puppet says.

"Oh let me Sasuke-kun!" Throws herself at his feet. "Please walk all over me!"

"Actually I think I'll just walk around the puddle."

XXX

Adult Mating Rituals

A puppet with a green jacket, long blonde hair, and an excessive chest called out. "I'm drunk!"

Instantly a silver haired puppet with a mask and one eye covered up was at her side. "Why don't I help you get home?"

"You're not going to try anything are you?"

"Of course not, you can trust me."

XXX

Prostitution

Sakura puppet walked up to the Sasuke puppet that mimed leaning against a wall.

"How much?" Sakura asked.

"Five thousand for the regular service, it's ten if we have to kiss and I have to tell you I love you."

"Ten it is then."

XXX

"Hey!" Sakura said furiously. "That's an insult!"

"It certainly is." Sasuke said sounding highly offended.

"Yeah! Sasuke-kun's worth way more than that!"

Sasuke took a couple steps further away from her.

XXX

Eventually the lesson mercifully came to an end. The three students left as quickly as they could to try and deal with the mental trauma that had been inflicted on them.

XXX

One Week Later

After another boring D-rank mission the three teammates discussed their plans.

"Ino's having me over for another slumber party." Sakura said. "I'm going to try and see if we can get Hinata to join us."

"I'm meeting with Ayame later," Naruto said. "Since we made our little deal I haven't had to pay for ramen once!"

"I'm going to the red light district and make some extra money." Sasuke said.

Kakashi listened to all this as he was reading his favorite book. "They grow up so fast."


	19. Why Naruto should never make ramen

"Senesei I'm worried about Naruto," Sakura said. "He's been acting really weird lately."

Kakashi sent her a questioning look.

"I mean even for him! Ever since he heard about Jiraiya's death he's been off by himself working on something. He's become kind of obsessed. I really am worried about him."

"It's all right Sakura," Kakashi assured. "Jiraiya told Naruto that he was the child of prophesy. That he would either save or destroy the entire world."

"It's Naruto's destiny to save or destroy the world?" Sakura asked.

"That's right."

"I suddenly have the urge to get married and start a family immediately."

"Try to have a little more faith in your teammate Sakura." Kakashi chuckled. "He's actually quite resourceful and capable of surprising people."

"Any way what is this special announcement he wants to make to us?" Sakura asked. "We don't see him for a whole month and then all of a sudden he asks us to meet him at Ichiraku's. What is that blond dummy up to now?"

"I have no idea," Kakashi admitted. "But I'm sure he'll surprise us."

"That's what has me worried." Sakura muttered.

XXX

The first surprise was seeing how packed the place was. Not only was every seat taken there was a line out the door. The next surprise was noting the change on the sign.

"Uzumaki Ramen? Are you kidding me?" Sakura shouted.

"I guess A and S rank missions don't pay what they used to." Kakashi noted. "Well they do say you should work with what you love."

"I'm getting to the bottom of this!" Ignoring the line Sakura stormed into the restaurant followed by Kakashi.

Out in the shadows a beautiful and full breasted girl with pale eyes was pressing her fingers together. "I… I'll see Naruto-kun another time. I… I wouldn't want to bother him."

XXX

Inside there was yet another surprise as a dozen Narutos were busy taking orders, cooking food, and bringing it out to the tables.

Spotting Sakura and Kakashi the original who was behind the counter made a clone to take his place and then came out to greet them. "Sakura-chan! Kakashi-sensei! Welcome to the grand opening of Uzumaki Ramen!"

"Huh?" Sakura looked at him blankly.

"Isn't it great?" Naruto was flapping his arms about wildly. "I have more business than I can handle! And this is just step one in my master plan!"

"Master plan?" Sakura replied weakly.

"That's right! My master plan to unite the world and bring an end to war! Through the power of ramen!"

Sakura was staring back at him blankly.

"Now this I have got to hear." Kakashi said with a grin.

XXX

To get some privacy the three ninja went up to the roof.

"Okay," Sakura began. "Fist off where are Teuchi and Ayame?"

"Oh they're in Suna." Naruto answered lightly.

"Suna?" Sakura and Kakashi both yelled back.

"You mean I'm not going to get to see that cute little Ayame whenever I drop by?" Kakashi moaned.

"More importantly why are they in Suna?" Sakura demanded.

Naruto shrugged. "Well someone has to open the new franchises and they're both my partners."

"Franchises?" Sakura replied.

"It's all part of my master plan." Naruto said proudly.

Kakashi sighed. "Why don't you start at the beginning Naruto?"

"All right," Naruto said. "I guess by now you've heard that ero-sennin was given a prophesy. One that said a student of his would either save the world and bring peace; or else destroy it."

Kakashi and Sakura both nodded.

"Well, since all his other students are dead that means I'm the one the prophesy is about. It's up to me save the whole world. That's why I decided to just be on my own until I figured out some way to make this prophesy come true."

Sakura nodded sympathetically. "And while this was going on you went insane didn't you?"

Kakashi elbowed her in the ribs. "Go on Naruto what happened then?"

Naruto had a serious look on his face. "Well naturally when I first thought about it there only seemed to be one answer; conquer the whole world and impose peace."

"Conquering the entire world isn't exactly easy Naruto." Kakashi pointed out. "Even the ancient emperors never managed it, and they never had to deal with ninja villages."

"Yeah, plus even if you could conquer the whole world how many people would you have to kill? How many of the survivors would hate you? Even if the motives are good ones would we be that different from Orochimaru and Akatsuki who want to do the same thing?"

"Well I hate to admit it, but you do have a point." Sakura said.

Naruto nodded. "Anyway I was thinking there just had to be a better way."

"Is that when you came up with your master plan?" Kakashi asked.

"Yeah! I figured that if I want to bring the world peace I shouldn't be killing people and making people hate me. Instead I thought about something that could bring everyone together willingly. Something that would make people forget their differences. Something that would bring people happiness and foster a sense of good will and brotherhood!"

"And the answer you came up with was ramen?" Sakura said dryly.

Naruto nodded his head excitedly. "Yes! I know firsthand what kind of comfort food ramen is. I also know how eating ramen brought me and Iruka-sensei closer together. It was so simple! First I'd set up a bunch of restaurants here at home spreading the yummy goodness of Uzumaki Ramen throughout the village until every last person is addicted to it. No one will want or fight any more because all they'll care about is eating more yummy ramen. Then I'll open franchises though the rest of Fire country and the other elemental lands too! Everywhere ninja and civilian alike will become addicted to that delicious taste! Wars will end! Old grudges will be forgotten! Eventually borders and national differences will disappear. All that will matter to people everywhere is ramen! All the world will be one through the power of Uzumaki Ramen!"

"…"

"What?" Naruto asked. "It's a perfect plan, it can't fail!"

Kakashi sighed and turned to Sakura. "I think you're right, he's gone insane."

"No kidding." Sakura leapt back down to street level.

"Hey Sakura-chan! Where are you going? At least stay and have some free ramen with me!" Naruto shouted after her.

"I'll pass," she called back.

Naruto turned to Kakashi. "What about you sensei? Will you have some?"

"Sure Naruto my philosophy is to never turn down free food or drink."

They were soon back down in the crowded restaurant and Kakashi had a steaming hot bowl in front of him.

"Here you go sensei! You'll be addicted to it I swear."

"Itadakimasu." Kakashi lowered his mask just enough to begin eating. He stopped after the first bite and looked startled. "This reminds me of the food my old teammate Rin used to make for me!"

Naruto nodded. "That's because of the secret formula I use, it makes it taste like your favorite food no matter what that might be."

"That's amazing Naruto! I don't know about conquering the world but you will definitely have a business success." Kakashi began to eat eagerly.

"Oh it will definitely work sensei; along with being delicious it will also turn you into my willing slave."

Kakashi's chop sticks froze half way to his mouth. "What?"

"Well I did say you would end up being addicted didn't I?"

XXX

Over the next couple of months Sakura noticed a change in the village.

Dozens of restaurants began to open all over the village. Every neighborhood seemed to have an Uzumaki Ramen franchise that was constantly packed. Being a medic nin Sakura was well aware ramen was not the most nutritious food out there. Her concerns for the general health of the village was increased as she noticed more and more people having pasty white complexions. Their skin colors actually resembled boiled noodles.

Even more worrisome ninja were declining missions just so they could stay in the village and eat more ramen.

"Sensei don't you think this is a bit weird?" Sakura asked on day.

"Don't be silly Sakura," a pale skinned Kakashi said. "You're just imagining things." Kakashi whipped out a book and began reading it.

"Hey what is this?" Sakura grabbed the book out of his hands and looked at the title. "One hundred and one ways to eat ramen?"

"Sakura I was just getting to the best part." Kakashi said.

"What happened to your Icha Icha?" Sakura handed the book back.

"Oh I've outgrown that, I threw the books away." Kakashi said.

That was when Sakura was SURE something unnatural was going on.

"Anyway I'm going to get some ramen," Kakashi strolled off. "You should really have some Sakura. You'll be addicted in no time."

"Heh, maybe later sensei." Sakura headed to the Hokage Tower to speak to Tsunade-sensei.

XXX

Meanwhile outside on of the Uzumaki Ramen franchises Hinata was nervously pressing her fingers together. Inside Konoha all the employees in all the franchises were clones. (It really cut down on the labor costs.) Hinata wanted to have some ramen to support Naruto but wasn't sure she could handle facing him.

"Ma… maybe later." She snuck away before anyone noticed her.

XXX

"Sensei we have a major problem!" Sakura said as she stormed into the office.

"What is it Sakura? What's wrong?" Tsunade asked. "Sluuuuuurrp. Oh do you want to join me and Shizune for lunch?"

Both women were sitting at Tsunade's desk with a large bowl in front of them. The bowls both had 'Uzumaki Ramen' stamped across them.

"You're both eating ramen." Sakura said nervously.

"Well of course, even the Hokage has to eat. I'm just glad that brat delivers." Tsunade said. "I just love this stuff it tastes like bourbon!"

"Mine tastes like curry!" Shizune said.

"So what's the emergency?" Tsunade asked.

"Uh, on second thought it's nothing major Tsunade-sensei. Please enjoy your meal." Sakura quickly and quietly departed.

XXX

Now that she was actively looking for the signs she realized almost everyone in Konoha had he sickly pale skin. Along the way she ran into the former members of team ten. They tried to invite her along to the nearest Uzumaki Ramen shop for lunch.

"You should come forehead!" Ino said. "My ramen is Sasuke flavored! Mmmmmmm! Tastes like Sasuke!"

"Mine tastes like the last piece of beef barbecue!" Chouji said.

"Mine always tastes like regular ramen." Shikamaru said. "Having a favorite food is too troublesome."

Though they were insistent Sakura managed to slip away.

This is bad! Is everyone in the village infected? She needed to find at least one other person who could help her.

When she spotted her other teammate she had hope he might be able to help. His skin was chalk white like always so perhaps he hadn't yet been infected.

"Sai! Listen I need your help!"

Sai gave her one his wide soulless smiles. "I can't right now you ugly bitch I'm going to get some ramen."

Sakura clenched her fists and felt a temple throb. For Sai that answer was actually pretty normal.

Not having much choice Sakura decided she would have to investigate on her own.

XXX

Outside one of the many Uzumaki Ramen shops Sakura was carefully observing the customers. They seemed normal from a distance. She didn't dare to actually go inside as no doubt a clone of Naruto would try to get her to eat some ramen.

There's no other choice, I'll just have to get a sample and examine it. As Sakura was thinking this she noticed a figure hiding in the shadows of an alleyway across the street from her. Leaping away she circled round and surprised the figure from behind.

"What are you doing?" Sakura demanded.

"Eek!" Hinata turned about to face Sakura. "Nothing! I swear I wasn't thinking about Naruto-kun at all!"

That was when Sakura noticed Hinata's healthy skin tone. "Hinata have you eaten any of Naruto's ramen?"

"No," Hinata hung her head in shame. "I… I really want to, but I ah, haven't been able to bring myself to actually go inside and talk to one of Naruto-kun's clones. Though I have bought some of the merchandise to show my support."

"Merchandise?"

Hinata nodded "I have a couple Uzumaki Ramen shirts, bath towels, bowls, and of course this." Out of her pocket she produced a three inch plushy of Naruto wearing an orange chef's apron with 'Uzumaki Raman' LTD. Written across the front.

"You know Hinata being totally obsessed over a guy is really pathetic." Sakura said.

"I also saw some Sasuke plushies available for sale."

"Seriously? Where?" Despite her excitement Sakura recalled her original purpose. "Listen Hinata there's something really terrible going on in the village. There's a terrible conspiracy going on and I'm afraid Naruto is involved."

"Are you referring to the fact Uzumaki Ramen has reduced everyone to ramen addicts and made them Naruto-kun's willing slaves?" Hinata asked.

"Huh? You've already noticed?"

Hinata smiled weakly. "Sakura-chan it's been pretty obvious for a while now. How did you not notice?"

Sakura gawked at her. "If you knew what was going on why didn't you do something about it?"

"Well if Naruto-kun's dream is to enslave the village I want to be supportive."

Sakura shut her eyes and slowly counted to ten. "Look Hinata, as ninja our first duty is to protect the village. I need you to help me stop Naruto so we can restore order and set things back how they should be."

"But what if Naruto-kun gets upset with me for ruining his master plan to take over the world?"

"Hinata those plans NEVER work! Haven't you ever watched a James Bond Movie? Now are you going to help me or not?"

Hinata sighed. "I suppose."

"Fine. Now the first thing we need to do is capture a sample of the ramen for study without Naruto realizing what we're up to." Sakura said. "Let's just wait for someone taking an order home and take it from them."

As luck would have it not ten minutes later Kiba came strolling out with a couple bags filled with orders for his family.

"Okay," Sakura cracked her knuckles. "I'll just knock him out and take his ramen."

"Wait Sakura-chan!" Hinata whispered. "Kiba is my teammate and a good friend I don't want you to hurt him. Please let me take care of this."

"Fine, but make it quick."

Nodding Hinata took off her purple jacket and stepped out into the street in a tight fitting black shirt. Sakura looked on expecting a demonstration of jyuken fighting style.

"Hi Kiba-kun."

"Oh, hey Hinata."

That was the moment Hinata unleashed her devastating move. She put both hands over her head and slowly stretched, pushing her chest out and gave a little shake. "It's sooooooooo hoooooooot."

Blood gushed from Kiba's nose and he instantly collapsed.

"How did you do that?" Sakura asked.

Hinata shrugged. "Large breasts can have a strong influence on the weak minded." Hinata glanced at Sakura's chest. "Of course you wouldn't know that."

"Hey!"

Hinata picked up the bags Kiba had been carrying. "So what now?"

"Come on we need to get to a lab at the hospital, and my breasts are great." Sakura said.

Hinata gently patted her on the shoulder. "Of course they are."

XXX

At the lab Sakura performed a test on the chemical composition of the ramen.

"Just as I thought! There a hallucinogen and a mind control serum mixed into the ramen's formula."

Hinata sighed. "Naruto-kun is so amazing! How did he come up with that in just a month? He really should be the ruler of the world."

"This isn't something to be happy about," Sakura pointed out.

"So what can we do?" Hinata asked.

"It's simple; we just need to bring Naruto back to his senses. Once we do that we can give everyone the antidote and bring people back to normal."

"So there's an antidote?" Hinata asked.

"Yes, we just need to give him some anti-ramen."

"Anti-ramen?"

Sakura grinned. "Sushi!"

XXX

Together Sakura and Hinata went into the original Uzumaki Ramen, the old Ichiraku's. Both of them had a fill order of sushi in bag.

"Now remember," Sakura whispered. "The fate of the world rides on this! Forget about the clones. All we have to do is get the real Naruto to eat some sushi."

Hinata sighed. "I hope Naruto-kun doesn't resent me for this."

The place was packed as usual. There were an unusual number of ninja present including Kakashi, Iruka, Asuma, and Gai. There were Narutos in the kitchen, serving food, and one behind the cash register.

As soon as they entered the Naruto behind the cash register smiled at them. "Hey Sakura-chan, hey Hinata-chan. So I guess you're both here to foil my master plan and prevent me from conquering the world right?"

"Huh? You know about that?" Sakura said.

Naruto just rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Are you kidding me? Of course I knew this would happen! I've watched James Bond movies."

"Naruto-kun," Sakura said. "Why are you doing this? You're stealing away people's free will and making them mindless zombies."

"So? That happens every day. It just normally requires television. At least my way doesn't inflict Jersey Shore, Dancing with the Stars, or Keeping Up with the Kardashians on innocent people." Naruto said.

"He has a point you know." Hinata said.

"You are not helping!" Sakura growled.

"I'm really sorry Sakura-chan, Hinata-chan, but I can't let you stop me. Once you've had some of my ramen you'll understand."

As one all the customers came to their feet to face the two kunoichi. A mindless chant began to rise from their throats. "Raaaamen… raaaaamen… raaaamen…" Arms outstretched they began to close in.

Sakura threw herself into the crowd knocking them over as many got a hold of her. "Hinata it's up to you! You know what to do!"

"I'm sorry Naruto-kun, byakugan!" Activating her blood line limit she leapt over the counter and quickly landed a dozen strikes on Naruto. Throughout the restaurant and throughout the village his kage bunshins vanished in puffs of smoke as he was unable to use chakra. Not only had Hinata managed to kill his ability to use chakra he was also paralyzed from the waist down.

"I really am sorry Naruto-kun," Hinata took out the sushi and readied to feed it to him by hand. "It has to be this way."

Though helpless Naruto smiled up at her. "Wow Hinata-chan, I never realized how amazing and cute and sexy you are."

Hinata froze and her face blushed. "Re… really?"

"Hinata!" Sakura cried. "Stay focused on the mission!"

"Hinata-chan would you go on a date with me?"

"A d… da… date? Really Naruto-kun?"

"Sure!" Naruto said. "We can have ramen!"

"Okay Naruto-kun! I'd love to!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo," Sakura wailed.

XXX

One Week Later

All the stands and restaurants in Konoha had become Uzumaki Ramen franchises. Every billboard advertised Uzumaki Ramen and every store sold their merchandise. Sushi was a banned substance.

In the original restaurant Naruto was wildly doing his victory dance. "I have franchises opening up all over Fire country and the other elemental lands. Suna had changed over to a ramen based economy and all the other ninja villages are following suit!"

At a nearby table Sakura smiled up from a big bowl of Sasuke flavored ramen. "I'm happy for you Naruto. Though I have to admit I always thought that if anyone on the team was going to conquer and rule the world it would be Sasuke."

"I wanted it more." Naruto said.

"Listen Naruto," Sakura said. "As a medic nin there is something I wanted to talk to you about. Ramen is not very healthy, if it's going to be the world's staple food you're going to need to make it more nutritious."

"What do you mean?"

"Just add vegetables, meat, and other ingredients to make it more healthy for people." Sakura said.

"Vegetables in ramen?" Naruto cringed. "Won't that ruin it?"

"Baka! How could that ruin it? It tastes like whatever you want it to no matter what ingredients you add right?" Sakura slurped down some noodles. "Mmmmmmmmm Sasuke."

Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "Heh, I guess that makes sense. Okay Sakura-chan you can be a Vice – President and help make Uzumaki Ramen as nutritious as it is yummy."

"Fine," Sakura said. "Do I get full medical and dental coverage and a 401K?

"In this economy? Don't push your luck." Naruto said.

Into the restaurant walked a pasty skinned but still gorgeous Hinata. "Naruto-kun are you ready for our one week anniversary? I've cooked a special meal just for the two of us."

"That's great Hinata-chan. What did you make?"

"Your favorite, ramen!"

"Homemade ramen? Yahoo!" Naruto excitedly hugged her. "You're the best! I love you Hinata-chan!"

"L… l… love? Eek!" She passed out.

"Huh? Are you okay Hinata–chan?"

XXX

One Year Later

The Kages and the Daimyos had all assembled in the village of Konoha. Also present were Pein, Madara, Sasuke, Itachi and all the other major leaders of the land. They had all come here in answer to the summons from the Ramen Emperor Uzumaki Naruto and the Ramen Empress Uzumaki Hinata. The land was at peace. There was no more war, no more crime, no more borders, no more nations, and no more differences.

There was only ramen, and it was good.


	20. Why Sakura should never spy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks to Mistress Winowyl who gave me some ideas for this chapter.

Naruto had just arrived at Sasuke's home.

"So what's up Sasuke?"

"I thought I'd show you this." Sasuke produced a two foot long short sword. "I've been studying sword fighting and I just had this commissioned. It's a chakra blade." He had a smug grin. "I'm going to use this to kill Itachi."

XXX

Meanwhile…

"Sakura? Is that you?" Ino called out. She'd arrived at the Haruno residence to try to invite Sakura over to a slumber party again.

"Hey Ino pig. I haven't got time to talk right now, I'm busy."

"Why are you dressed like that?"

Rather than her usual red clothes Sakura had on a traditional all black ninja outfit. Only her face had yet to be covered.

"We just recently did some surveillance training so I decided to put it to good use." Sakura explained.

"You're going to spy on Sasuke-kun aren't you?"

"Well, cha!"

"Is Naruto helping you or are you on your own?"

"Actually," Sakura explained. "Naruto was invited to hang out at Sasuke-kun's. That's been happening a lot lately. Part of the reason I'm going is to find out what they're doing together."

"Uh oh." Ino said with a glum look.

"What?"

"Sasuke has been spending lots of time alone with Naruto at his place right? Doesn't that seem awfully suspicious to you?"

"Not really," Sakura replied. "I mean they're teammates so it makes sense they would hang out together."

"You're his teammate too." Ino pointed out. "He ever invite you over?"

"Well… no, but I'm sure there's a reason." Sakura said.

"Yeah, I'll just bet that there is." Ino said with a heavy shrug. "It looks like all those rumors were true."

Sakura needed a moment to realize what rumors Ino was referring to. When she did she gasped and shook an angry fist in her friend's face. "Hey! You know those stupid rumors about Sasuke couldn't possibly be true!"

"Think about it for a second forehead! He's never paid attention to any girl, even though he had me chasing after him. That right there is just not normal!" Ino declared. "The only person he ever pays attention to or gets worked up about is Naruto. The only one he's ever kissed is Naruto. The only one he spends time all alone with is, you guessed it, Naruto! Put all that together and there's only one possible conclusion!"

"Yeah, that he has better taste than to put up with you and that he probably needs Naruto to help him clean up or train or something." Sakura pulled a black mask over her face and tucked in her pink hair. "I'll find out what those two or up to and it won't be that. Who knows maybe they're planning to throw me a surprise birthday party."

"Your birthday isn't for another four months forehead."

"Sasuke has always been thorough." Sakura leapt away.

"Fine!" Ino shouted after her. "Don't be shocked if you catch them sharing a bath or something!"

XXX

Sakura sneaked into the old Uchiha compound without any trouble. She got to the house that Sasuke occupied. Knowing his room was up on the second floor she landed by one of the blindfolded windows. Taking out a special listening device she stuck one end to the glass window and stuck in an ear plug.

That Ino is such an idiot there is no way any of those rumors could be true. Seriously! Sasuke and Naruto? Cha! Yeah right! The device started to work and she could hear the two of them talking in Sasuke's room. Okay! Now I'll finally find out what those two are up to.

"Nice!" Naruto said. "Can I touch it?'

"You really want to don't you dobe?"

"Well yeah. So can I?"

"Fine," Sasuke said with a sigh. "Just get a good grip with both hands and don't try to wave it around too much."

What the hell? Sakura thought.

XXX

Holding Sasuke's chakra blade Naruto naturally compared it to Zabuza's massive cleaving sword. "It seems kind of small."

"It's big enough to do the job." Sasuke said with a sniff. "Kakashi-sensei used to have one just like it."

"Used to?"

"It was lost during the war."

"Oh that's too bad." Naruto said. "I bet he misses not having it anymore."

"Well what guy wouldn't?"

XXX

Outside the window Sakura shuddered. Poor sensei! Now I finally understand why he is so obsessed with reading those naughty books!

XXX

"Anyway," Sasuke continued. "It's not the size that matters but how you handle it. For someone like me who knows what he's doing it's a deadly weapon."

"Yeah, right," Naruto said with a laugh. "I bet you wouldn't even be able to hit the target."

"How about I use it on you and we see?"

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Naruto teased.

"I wouldn't mind it, and if I did you'd feel it dobe. I'd shove it all the way in."

XXX

Outside Sakura felt herself getting sick as all sorts of disturbing imaged flashed through her head.

XXX

"So are you really serious about wanting to use this thing on Itachi?" Naruto asked. "I mean I know he did a lot of things that are unforgivable to you, but he's still your brother."

"Shut up dobe. The thought of doing Itachi is the only thing that has kept me going all this time. I've dreamt about it. It's my one obsession. I'm going to stab it in and out of him as he screams and begs for mercy."

"It still seems wrong to me," Naruto muttered.

"I don't care what you think Naruto. Doing that to my big brother is the only thing that will ever satisfy me."

"Do you even really think you'll get close enough to use this thing?" Naruto asked. "I mean the last time you fought him it didn't go so well."

"It will definitely be different next time." Sasuke spoke with certainty. "I've spent hundreds of hours perfecting my technique. Sometimes I'll lock myself into the clan doujo and just go at it for hours until my muscles are raw and I feel like I'm about to die."

"Seriously? That's dedication. So do you just practice alone?"

"Mostly, but I've had Kakashi and Asuma show me a few things. They both really know what they're doing. At the end of our sessions I usually end up exhausted and covered in bruises."

"Well that's cool." Naruto said appreciatively. "Is there anything I can do to help too?"

"Sure there is dobe." Sasuke told him with a grin. He went to his closet to get a cloth rag and a can of steel lubricant. "Here, I want you to rub and polish it as hard as you can until it shines!"

THUMP.

"What was that?" Naruto asked.

They went to the nearest window and looked outside. They spotted someone in black ninja gear lying spread out on the front lawn with foam coming out of her mouth.

XXX

After an ANBU patrol took whoever it was away Sasuke turned to Naruto. "So, want to share a bath together while we watch gay porn?"

"Sure."


	21. Why Naruto should never be a Saturday morning cartoon

Naruto was sitting in class listening to his favorite teacher.

"Now remember class that ninja are masters of stealth and violence. They are famed throughout the Elemental Lands for committing such acts as assassination, theft, abduction, and extortion." Iruka lectured.

"Does that mean that someday we'll get to murder, steal, and kidnap people sensei?" A random student asked.

"Don't be stupid!" Iruka yelled at him. "We're Leaf Ninja! The good guys! Obviously we would never do those sorts of things!"

"But… but… you just said that ninja…"

"I meant other ninja obviously." Iruka said. "Obviously though we are ninja too, that doesn't mean we act like all the other ninja in the world."

The student was clearly confused. "Uh, why not sensei?"

"Because we are the good guys, and the good guys never ever do anything that could be considered evil or morally questionable under any circumstance. Were you not paying attention?"

XXX

The alarm had just sounded ending the Bell Test.

"Sensei!" Naruto called out dropping to his knees. "Even though it means I'll have to go back to the Academy please let Sasuke and Sakura pass."

Sasuke came over to Naruto and put a hand on his shoulder. "You know what Naruto you're okay. From now on let's be friends."

"Really Sasuke?"

"Sure. Even though I spent our entire time in class ignoring and belittling you I suddenly realize you have heart and I want us to be pals from now on. Oh, and so you know I've always secretly admired and wanted to be friends with you; I was just too emotionally closed off to come out and admit it until now."

"I agree with whatever Sasuke says!" Sakura declared. "I'll be platonic friends with you Naruto!"

(From some nearby bushes a girl with thick glasses and her hair in a ponytail watched sighing sadly.)

"I'm so glad to see you three have learned about the power of friendship and teamwork." Kakashi said wiping away a tear. "My best friend Obito, who gave me his eye and is in a coma, would be very happy to hear that. You all pass!"

There was much rejoicing.

XXX

They were on the bridge in Wave Country following their epic fight.

Gato and all his men were in hand cuffs and being led away. All it had taken was finding a single key piece of evidence to assure the multi billionaire with countless politician and judges in his pocket could be dealt with through legal means.

After pulling out the last of the ten spears that had been in Zabuza's back Kakashi was bandaging the wounds.

"It's amazing how they all missed your vital organs." Kakashi noted.

"I'm just lucky I guess." Zabuzza noted.

"I'm also really sorry about driving my raikiri into Haku's heart like that."

"Don't worry about it Kakashi, he's just in a coma. I'm sure he'll be fine."

"I'm glad you and Haku will be joining us as Leaf ninja, once he gets out of his coma of course."

XXX

Kakashi, Guy, Asuma, Ibiki, Jiraiya and others were standing about the body of their fallen Hokage who had just defeated Orochimaru and helped save the village. When…

"Uhhhh…"

"He's alive!" Jiraiya cried out.

"But how?" Ibiki asked incredulously. "He had his soul ripped out by a shinigami. He was definitely dead."

"Obviously he got better." Asuma said as he picked his father up in his arms. "I have to get him to a hospital before he slips into a coma."

After the fighting Naruto and Sasuke were standing atop the Hokage Monument looking out over the village that was lying in ruins. More than half the village was completely destroyed.

Naruto sighed. "I'm just glad that not one single person died."

"Yeah." Sasuke agreed.

XXX

One week later the village was completely repaired and life was back to normal without any apparent trauma to any of the participants. That included Sarutobi who despite having his soul ripped from his body was just fine.

XXX

At the Valley of the End Naruto and Sasuke faced each other.

"How can you do this Sasuke?" Naruto demanded. "Aren't we friends?"

"I need power Naruto! To kill Itachi I have to have more power no matter what the price!"

"If that is what you truly believe then kill me Sasuke."

Naruto stood there with arms to the side defenseless.

Sasuke activated his chidori and stared at Naruto for a long moment.

At last he allowed the chidori to fade out.

"There is no way I could kill my best friend," Sasuke sighed. "Thanks for showing me the light Naruto. I'll come back to the village now."

XXX

Sasuke was brought before Sarutobi.

"Sasuke, you abandoned your village, attempted to defect to our most dangerous enemy, put the lives of your friends and comrades in serious jeopardy, and committed all these crimes of your own free will. You are guilty of treason which carries the sentence of death. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"That I am really, really sorry and it probably won't ever happen again."

"Well I guess that's good enough."

There was much rejoicing.

XXX

"Na… Naruto-kun I lo… love you." Hinata declared.

Naruto stared at her with his jaw open. Hinata had replaced her horn rimmed glassed with contacts, changed her pony tail to letting her thick black hair hang naturally, and most importantly had replaced her usual bulky jacket with a skin tight black leotard which showed off her amazing body.

"Hinata is that you?" Naruto gasped.

"I… I know I'm not beautiful with this perfect skin, hour glass figure, and especially with these oversized yet firm breasts. I am completely in love with you though. Could you ever possibly return my feelings?"

Naruto gulped. "Even though I've only ever acknowledged you as a friend up until now seeing how hot you are I suddenly realize I've always been in love with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Want to go someplace and make out?"

"Sure!"

There was much rejoicing.


	22. Why Sasuke should never seek the TRUTH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in reply to Naruto 593

A snake grew out of Anko's curse seal. It opened its mouth and out popped Orochimaru.

"Huh? You've been hiding inside a woman's body this entire time?" Suigetsu exclaimed.

"Ku, ku, ku well of course!" Orochimaru said gleefully. "Would anyone ever think to look for me there?"

"He's got a point." Juugo said.

"Yeah." Suigetsu admitted.

"Orochimaru," Sasuke said. "I need you to do something for me."

"Forget it; I only enjoy doing those sorts of things to minors."

"No not that," Sasuke said quickly as both Suigetsu and Juugo shuddered. "I need you to perform a certain jutsu so I can learn the truth."

"Again? How many revelations have you had? Four? Five? Didn't your brother come back to life and use his last bit of energy to show you the so called truth? After that you still need more?"

"I am just trying to be thorough about who it is I want to blame for everything that's wrong in my life." Sasuke said. "I mean first I wanted to kill my brother, then Naruto, then Naruto again, then you, then my brother again, then the village, then Madara, then Killer Bee, then the Kages, then Danzo, then Karen, then Sakura… but everybody wants to kill Sakura, then Naruto yet again. Now I'm back to taking revenge on the village again even though that means slaughtering thousands of innocents; which is what screwed me up to begin with. But of course those were Uchihas so killing all the innocent people in Konoha who never did me any wrong at all is okay."

Orochimaru stood there and stared at him for a long moment. "Sasuke, after all the revelations and betrayals and double dealings do you even still want vengeance? I mean by this point you must have lost track of who did what to you. Or is all this just some pretext to avoid facing up to those homo erotic feelings you've always had for Naruto?"

"Wha… what? That kiss was an accident!"

"What about the time you cried out his name instead of mine?"

Sasuke blushed and Suigetsu and Juugo shuddered some more.

"Anyway forget it. I'm not helping you anymore. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go look for some eight year olds." Orochimaru vanished in a swirl of wind and leaves.

"Fine," Sasuke sighed. "I'll just blame everyone, that always works."

Suddenly the dust in the cavern began to swirl and Itachi was once again standing there.

"Itachi! Big brother! You've come to tell me the truth!"

Itachi shook his head. "No, I just did that remember? But you're so fixated and emotionally stunted you actually resurrected the person I originally died to free you from because you'd rather depend on him for guidance than the brother who died trying to save you… twice."

"Then why'd you come back again?"

"For this." Itachi took out his sword and chopped Sasuke's head off.

"You killed him?" Suigetsu and Juugo both shouted.

"Why'd you do that?" Suigetsu demanded.

Itachi's body began dissolving back into dust. "I did it as a mercy."

"For Sasuke?"

"No, the fans."


	23. Why the girls should never listen to Sasuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a chat with Mistress Winowyl. 
> 
> She made me do it.

"Sasuke-kun do you like my lipstick? Its cherry flavored and I got it just for you. Want to kiss me and see?" Sakura closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

"No," Sasuke said flatly and walked past her.

"Hey cutie! Like my new outfit? I got just for you!" Ino came up to him wearing a purple tank top and mini skirt. She twirled around. "Does it look good on me?"

"You look the same as always." Sasuke grumbled.

"Sasuke I know you like girls with long hair." Another young kunoichi came up to him. "Do you like my hairstyle?"

"Who are you?"

XXX

As Naruto watched from a distance girl after girl came up to an apathetic Sasuke. When at last his teammate finally escaped from the unwanted attention Naruto went up to him. "Why do all the girls give you so much attention?" Naruto asked sounding more than a bit jealous.

"They all do it because they think looking a certain way will make them like me better." Sasuke told him. "The truth is none of them are my type or know what appeals to me."

"Wait! You actually have a type?"

Sasuke slowly nodded. "Well there is a certain look that turns me on."

"Well why don't you tell the girls? That way they can look however it is you want. Maybe you'll actually be able to pick one."

"What's the point? I'm an avenger and I don't have time to waste on girls."

"Fine," Naruto said. "Wouldn't it still be good to see all of them dressed up in a way you think is sexy?"

Sasuke stopped for a moment and thought about it. "Hmmm, well since they're going to keep on bothering me anyway, I suppose there's no reason not to."

Sasuke went back in among his fan girls and told them in detail what he liked.

XXX

The Next Day…

Half of the girls in Konoha, including Sakura and Ino, were dressed in bright orange, had dyed their hair blonde and used gel to make it look spiky, and used mascara or markers on their cheeks to draw whisker marks.

"Believe it!" Came the chorus from out of a sea of orange.

A very disturbed looking Naruto turned to Sasuke.

"What?" Sasuke asked. "Don't all guys like dumb blondes?


	24. Why Kakashi should never use puppets

These are just a few more of the lessons Kakashi might have given his mentally scarred students.

XXX

Pedophilia

Sasuke puppet was pacing about. "I'm an avenger and I'll do anything to get more power!"

"Anything?" Orochimaru puppet pops up from behind the briefcase.

"Yes anything!"

"In that case come with me and I will make you my apprentice and share all my secrets with you." Places an arm over Sasuke puppet's shoulders. "Beginning with a little game I like to call 'find the kunai.'"

XXX

Sasuke shuddered and decided that there were some prices not worth paying for power.

XXX

Bestiality

A Shikamaru puppet went up to a toy deer.

"Remember, no one can ever know."

XXX

Infidelity

A female sock puppet with long black hair and an Uchiha clan symbol went up to the Kakashi puppet.

"Oh Kakashi, I know it's wrong but I can't help myself."

"I know Mikoto."

"You give me the one thing my husband can't."

"Love?"

"No, a really big penis. Fugaku is just tiny."

"Well that explains why he's always overcompensating."

The two puppets began making out.

XXX

"HEY!" Sasuke jumped to his feet.

XXX

Group Sex

The heads of Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru popped up from the edge of the briefcase.

Shikamaru turned to the other two. "All right, I admit that was more fun that playing shougi.

XXX

Incest

Temari puppet turned to Gaara puppet. "Are you still consumed with homicidal rage?"

"Right now no, I just want to cuddle."

XXX

Gay Incest

"I love you big brother." Sasuke puppet said.

"I know little brother," Itachi puppet said. "Now go make me a sandwich."

XXX

"Oh come on!" Sasuke shouted.

"Sorry Sasuke," Kakashi said. "You've got to admit, you're an easy target."

XXX

Sadomasochism

The Naruto puppet had its mouth gagged and his wrists tied.

The Hinata puppet had a black mask on along with a black leather outfit and a little whip in one hand.

"You've been b... b… bad Naruto-kun and must be punished."


	25. Why Naruto should never return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by trailers for the Naruto 6 movie and conversations with Mistress Winowyl. I love that woman. 
> 
> Though she does keep stepping on me…

Naruto was wandering through the village of Konoha.

But it was not his Konoha.

He glanced up at the Hokage monument where only four faces looked out. Namikaze Minato, his father, was alive and well and the ruling Hokage. His mother Namikaze Kushina was also alive and well (and sort of scary). He had a home and a real live family. The 'him' of this world had also been the Kyuubi's jinchuuriki, but apparently since his father was the Hokage no one had been afraid of him. He'd seen a photo album filled with pictures of birthday parties and of him playing with other children. Back home when he'd defeated Pein the villagers had finally acknowledged him after years of shunning and ignoring him. Here he had always been accepted.

I have a family and I'm loved. Naruto thought. Some villagers passing by waved to him and called out. He waved back. Crossing the street in front of him were two familiar figures.

"Come on Sakura!" Sasuke pleaded. He had a rose in his outstretched hand. "Just give me a chance."

"I said no! Now leave me alone I'm busy." An irritated pink haired girl replied. She hurried off with Sasuke in pursuit.

If Naruto had needed any more proof he was in a different universe that had been it. There had never been an Uchiha massacre. Itachi was Commander of the ANBU and one of the village's top heroes. Not only was Sasuke not a traitor he was a playboy with a serious crush on Sakura who (wonders of wonders) couldn't have cared less. Almost as amazing he and Sasuke appeared to be best friends.

"Maybe this isn't another world." Naruto muttered to himself. "Maybe I just died and this is the afterlife."

A minute later the former members of team ten were walking up the street towards him. Up ahead of the other two was Nara Shikamaru. In his hands was a comic book and he was chuckling like crazy. He looked back over his shoulder. "Hey will you stop dragging your feet? You want to be late for the new 'Three Mimes' comedy?"

"Will you relax Shika?" A muscular and fir Chouji asked sounding serious. "We don't all have as much energy as you do."

As they passed Shika and Chouji both said 'hi.' A shy Ino popped her head out from behind Chouji and said a quick 'hello.'

A couple minutes later a big white dog ran past him. An irate Kiba was chasing after. "Damn it Akamaru! Stop! Sit! Obey you damn mutt! Aaaarggh! This is why cats are better!"

Shortly after he spotted Shino walking along surrounded by a crowd of friends and admirers. Shino was talking to them and cracking jokes that set everyone laughing.

A minute later was his old sensei Kakashi with Might Guy who was sporting a stylish haircut and was dressed in black.

"You are so cool Guy. Do you want to hang out later?"

"Sorry, did you say something Kakashi?"

"Damn your hip attitude."

And not long after that…

Rock Lee went slouching past in torn up jeans and a T shirt that read 'Up Yours.' He had a cigarette in his mouth and a bad attitude that was clear for all to see. Tenten was trailing after him smiling and grinning like a school girl. There were bandages on both her hands where she had once again accidentally stabbed herself. Behind her was Neji. He was openly staring at Tenten's boobs and making squeezing motions with his hands.

"This world is strange but nice," Naruto said quietly to himself. "What should I do?"

He had no idea how he'd come to this other world. There had been this strange flash of light and he'd just found himself here. So far he'd been able to fool everyone and no one suspected he was not 'their' Naruto. He had no clue where their Naruto even was. Despite the odd differences Naruto thought he could be really happy here. He and Sasuke were best friends, this Konoha was at peace and prosperous, many of the people who had been killed in the attacks by Orochimaru and Pein were alive; this even seemed to include the old man and ero-senin. Best of all his parents were alive! He had a chance to know his parents and be loved by them.

"It's amazing but can I stay here?"

Back in the real Konoha his village was at war. His comrades needed him. No matter how wonderful this place might be he had a duty and obligation to his true home.

He looked around and took a deep breath. He couldn't stay. He would go to the Hokage, his dad, and tell him everything. With him and Jiraiya helping he was sure they would figure out a way to send him back. They would…

Out of nowhere Hinata appeared. She was wearing short shorts and a fishnet top that was close to obscene. She grabbed Naruto's face and began kissing him as if her life depended on it. Naruto's face turned red and his heart began to pound in his chest.

When she was satisfied Hinata put her arm around his shoulders and shoved his face into her chest as she began to dragging him away somewhere.

"Hey baby," Hinata said with a sinful smile. "Let's go to our usual place. I'll let you spread honey all over my tits and lick them clean."

Naruto's eyes widened and he had trouble swallowing. Or, on second thought, I could just stay here.

XXX

Meanwhile in the original dimension…

"Hinata! What's wrong?" Naruto was bent over an unconscious Hinata; foam was coming out of her mouth.

"Naruto! What did you do?" An angry Sakura said as she came over to help.

"Nothing! All I did was ask if she'd like to sneak off with me so that I could tie her up and do her doggy style."

Sakura stopped and stared at him open mouthed. "How… how could you?"

He shrugged. "Should I have asked for missionary instead?"


	26. Why Inoichi should never be honest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief response to Naruto 613

The Juubi had spat out an immense glob of explosive chakra and sent it flying hundreds of miles to the headquarters of the combined ninja armies. It was clear to everyone there that given the speed and destructive power of the Juubi's attack there was no hope or either escape or survival. Working together Shikaku and Inoichi sent out a final message to Naruto and the others; a last battle plan that they could only hope would allow them to triumph.

With that accomplished there was nothing more to do but await the arrival of their deaths. Looking up they could see the sky become a fiery red.

Inoichi turned to his old friend and teammate. "I've always loved you."

"Yes, I know."


End file.
